Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 442
The average comedian is kind of an observer looking at everyday things that everyone could relate to and then trying to find the exaggeration in those things.
I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.
No touching… Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
If you’re able to build from your falls you’ll be unstoppable and damn near fearless. You see, every time you fall down and get back up, you add another piece of body armor to yourself. You learn what not to do, how to do better, and how to create comfort through practice.
You work your butt off and somebody says you can't have your record played because it offends them. Tyrants are made of such stuff.
We stock up on popcorn and candy like we're crossing the Sierras, don't we? "I'll have a couple of soft pretzels, a hot dog, Milk Duds, Snocaps. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? You don't have a barrel or anything like that? Do you have a donkey or a pack mule or anything? - Oh, and a Diet Coke."
The show doesn't drive home a lesson, but it can open up people's minds enough for them to see how stupid every kind of prejudice can be.
When you grow up poor, you have to either work really hard to try and get where you want to be, or you'll just stay put.
Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.