Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 442
The truth hurts. It used to sooth, but, then my dad got a hold of it. When I was seventeen, he told me the truth about love. He called our little talk, "The birds, the bees and your girlfriend's a slut."
I also say that if there isn't a response to what's been happening to the people out there, there's going to be a great explosion one of these days, and this will not be one of the nicest places to live.
A lot of people tell me this, too: "Don't worry about it. It's God's will. Y'know, you weren't meant to be together. God's will." God's will? Really, God got involved in this? Really? Twenty years with somebody, twenty years of my life pretty much gone? All the money I made, the career I chose, pretty much torn to pieces? Two little kids' lives shattered? Really, God? Is that how you work? This brutal, disemboweling nightmare… is you? 'Cause if that's the case, then there is no God. And God said unto me: "Christopher... I did this so you could meet a 29-year-old, 5'11" Diesel jeans model who has two college degrees and already paid for her own boob job." How shall I serve thee, Lord?
I want to recriminalise homosexuality, so i can feel dirty when i do it.
A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.
Mom-and-Pop shops close for no reason. You go in there, you're like, "Why are you closed today?' They're like, 'We're sad.' That's not even a legit thing. Wal-Mart -- you could shoot the entire staff it would be an hour of confusion and they'd be up and running again. That's how great Wal-Mart is.
It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
I had a girl put on crotchless britches for my birthday one time. I come home, she was like, “want some of this right here.” i go, “No, look what it did to your underbritches over there.”
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me "you think he's been hunting?" "Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep." Here's your sign!