Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 442

A river in Cleveland caught fire… what did they put it out with?

I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.

Playing Xbox for 23 hours straight is cool and all, but I’m going to teach you how to spend time on things in your life that will get you the following two things: paid and laid.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Freebase? What's free about it?

I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

My parenting style could be described as not "good cop" or "bad cop" so much as "nervous cop." I'm always yelling for somebody to stop because they're about to get hurt. I'm the "take a jacket," "slow down" guy.

I've always wondered, what am I going to do that's important with these stupid jokes that I tell.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

I want to get away from it all. Move to the sticks. Montana. Hundreds of miles from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow. Curl up with some cute girl. Say stuff to her like, "Scream all you want, sugar. Ain’t nobody gonna hear you!"

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

I think the more you do this and the more comfortable you become on stage, you start speaking more and becoming more of a character in yourself.