Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 440
This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in my life. This thing is nicer than my apartment.
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
"What would Jesus drive?" I don't know about you, but I always picture my God having a driver. Well, Jesus would naturally have an SUV, cause He always had those twelve idiots hanging around, making Him change shit into food every four and a half minutes. "See the cigarette? It's a fish. Leave me alone."
I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.
Words like "kiosk", that’s a Viking word and it came from when they would rape and pillage… 'cause they would rape and pillage and awful and blood everywhere and limbs hacked and money stolen, and then they’d say: "If you have enjoyed today’s experience, you can get some souvenirs in the kiosk which is just down on the beach. Thank you, thank you."
When somebody says "I wouldn't change a thing" they're thinking of something they would change.
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
Few, very few, will ever be able to craft a joke as beautifully as Pat. He was able to just make it all happen. I don't think he was great at telling them, but he was sure great at putting them down.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.'
There's only three major elements. Air, land, which is your flesh and water, which is your blood. You're walking on a third of yourself. She's called Mother Earth. She gave birth to your ass. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, your maggot food ass going right back to her!
To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.
John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?