Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 440
The most unusual salesman I ever met is a fellow who made a modest fortune purveying lightning rods. But he suddenly lost interest in his work. He got caught in a storm with a bunch of samples in his arms.
Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
The bad news is that aliens have landed... the good news is that they pee gasoline.
Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority...
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
It always helps to think about other people instead of ourselves.
I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got - one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sex is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, crack her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now - wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over - there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.'
Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.
I know you think I'm crazy. I go into a different room and I actually felt like it takes me to a better place, positive instead of negative.