Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 440
You know, when you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go "Jeez... what have you been doing - jumping rope in the attic or something?" "Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?"
But some people want attention so bad they want you to see them angry at you.
We thought O.J. was a fluke. Turns out O.J. was a trend setter! Since then, O.J., Peterson, Robert Blake, who got off on the "I couldn't have shot her, I left my gun the restaurant" defense.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other. I enjoy pushing my characters to the limit. No matter how far out there I go, I look for things that make the characters human. While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.
Have you ever done those Coca-Cola burps that come out of your nose and eyeballs? You think a burp looks bad! Someone's just thinking "Shit what's wrong with his head."
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
I'm the first to admit this whole salary thing is getting out of control. In the final analysis, it's still about the work.
It's christmas. You know, the time of the year that reminds you what you don't fucking have.
I'm not an activist; I don't look for controversy. I'm not a political person, but I'm a person with compassion. I care passionately about equal rights. I care about human rights. I care about animal rights.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.