Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 440

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

But I thought, what could I do in a teeny way - and believe me, it's a teeny way - to defuse this? There had to be some way to separate the 1.5 billion people who don't want to kill us from the 100,000 or so who do. I thought if I could get five Muslims and six Hindus and maybe 3 Jews to laugh for 90 minutes, then I've accomplished something.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

Imagine people calling you to find out if you're dead. I've led a real crazy life at times, and I've had many strange things happen to me, but that was one of the strangest.

The show doesn't drive home a lesson, but it can open up people's minds enough for them to see how stupid every kind of prejudice can be.

My wife always has a splitting archetype whenever I want to have sex.

I got some pills and they were awesome - I took them for a long time. And my New Age-y friends would go ‘you know, you’re still feeling your anxiety, you’re just masking it with medication.’ And I said ‘Yes! It’s what it says on the label of the fucking pill! You know, in the winter I still feel the cold, I just mask it with a coat. What is your addiction to suffering?’

Do no touch my TV, my CD, my DVD, my VHS, my old school, my new school. Got it?

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

I don’t know when did fat became a disease where people feel bad for you. I’m watching Jerry Springer have a 1,000 pound man on… People in the audience, crying, “Oh my God. He’s a 1,000 pounds. What happened?” He ate. You don’t catch 1,000 pounds. Nobody stick you with a dirty needle and give you a 1,000 pounds. You eat.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

As a comedian, I have the gift of looking at something a bit differently and making it funny. I’m not sure why I can do that, but that’s as simple as I can put it.

I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.