Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 478

I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.

You know that song that asks, "Why do fools fall in love?"? I think the obvious answer is because they're fools.

Festivus for the Restivus!

The show has become my therapy.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

What’s an archive, son? Is that anything like a closet?

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

What I have in common with the character in "Truman" is this incredible need to please people. I feel like I want to take care of everyone and I also feel this terrible guilt if I am unable to. And I have felt this way ever since all this success started.

If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.