Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 478
I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.
You know that song that asks, "Why do fools fall in love?"? I think the obvious answer is because they're fools.
Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, "So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart." People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.
When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.
I have Glocks, .45s, Berettas, Remingtons. I like the marksmanship and the discipline that it takes to be a gun owner. I like the machinery. Being able to take it out and clean it is even more fascinating than having the gun.
I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable you in spats.
The program is nearly over! I can feel the audience is still with me but if I run faster I can shake them off.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.