Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 478
I'm in high school, and I was walking to my 6th period class the other day. When I get there being the first one there I pull on the door to find it locked. The drapes are closed, so I can't see if anyone is inside, so just to be sure, I start pounding on the door. At that moment the principle walks by the classroom with keys and says "are you locked out?" I said "nope,the door made fun of my mom, I was just giving him a beating for it. Here's your sign."
Oh, I say I have an ocelot and it’s a joke, but I’ve had so many news programs in this country say, "So what’s it like, having an ocelot?” And I’ll say, “It’s marvelous just to see them run free. When feeding time comes and they’re mewling, it just warms your heart." People will really believe anything. You may have noticed this. It’s not just me. Look around.
I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
My parents were very protective of me. Whenever I went to cross the street, they would get very excited and start making bets.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Wonder why it is your underarms stink. Did it ever come in handy? Did you ever say "Well thank God my underarms stunk! He came out of the bushes and I said Get back! I've been to aerobics!"
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, “Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?” I said, “Ah, yes and no.”
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.
Dr. Ruth said if you want to be a better lover, what you should is when you get in bed with your woman, before you do anything else, you should recite an erotic poem to her. Now let me ask you something. Is there one man here who knows an erotic poem that doesn’t have the word “Nantucket” in it?