Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 478
I'm a Sagittarian, see, I can't be fenced in. I been living in Las Vegas, greatest city in the world. I look out my window for 100 miles. In Vegas, there's nothing to do but gamble, drink or have sex. I have two of 'em.
When we say we want you to get in touch with your feminine side, we really mean you need to touch our clit.
When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.
My fate is very precarious. I don't want the show to suffer because I may not be able to come back next week.
I'm the first to admit this whole salary thing is getting out of control. In the final analysis, it's still about the work.
My parents were very protective of me. Whenever I went to cross the street, they would get very excited and start making bets.
I am saddened by how people treat one another and how we are so shut off from one another and how we judge one another, when the truth is, we are all one connected thing. We are all from the same exact molecules.
Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.
When I go through the airport and see white women walking through the airport barefooted, like athlete's feet don't exist, there's something wrong.
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Nature is not affected by finance. If someone offered you ten thousand dollars to let them touch your eyeball without blinking, you would never collect the money. At the very last moment, Nature would force you to blink your eye. Nature will protect her own.