Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 478

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

The world makes you into a bitch, no matter how quietly you go, so you may as well go kicking and screaming.

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That’s when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.

There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.

Remember: Super Bowl is the biggest day of the year for pizza delivery - so no matter what happens in the game, Peyton Manning wins.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

You might be a redneck if your dog passes gas and you claim it.

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I don't see why I wouldn't. I'm fair game, its not like I'm that picky, you've seen the guys I've dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else... I never lied better.

I'm a comedian who happens to be Latino. What's the difference? The difference is, my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.

I use profanity because I like profanity, but I’m not vulgar. Big difference. I love profanity because I really think profanity is cool.