Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 477

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

I like showing different types of comedy - showing that I could tell a story, or showing that I could do a one-liner, showing I could do stuff about music – so just trying to be versatile and talking about different topics.

I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?

Trying to get the talk show, looking back on it, we had to beg a lot of station managers to pick up the show because people thought no one would watch it because I'm openly gay.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.

If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

Nature is not affected by finance. If someone offered you ten thousand dollars to let them touch your eyeball without blinking, you would never collect the money. At the very last moment, Nature would force you to blink your eye. Nature will protect her own.

I could never be James Bond.

They travel in groups. You never see an Asian by their self.

You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.

The earth is bipolar.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.