Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 477
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that's what I had to do.
The unfairness of life is indicative of trees. I planted twenty trees on the same block. It's so fucking weird. Six became huge. One is giant. And there are some little shitty ones. Same soil. Same water. Same seed. But those little ones just don't grow. I can't explain it.
When you're constantly looking for things from other people, you're not looking within yourself.
I think comedy is definitely a more male oriented field - social commentary, political commentary - I think it's just easier for men to get up and say whatever they want. But I don't think there's that many women who really want to put their toe in the water either. It's not the easiest life or lifestyle to get out there and kind of shake the shit up.
I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm most proud to be known as a kind person... Because kindness spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'
If I have to be a monotheist, y’know pick one, I’m picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.
Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
You can get to the next level if you're willing to give up everything and give everything you have in your heart to make it.
Funniest thing happened though, you wouldn't believe it, ha, the mannequins came to life. I went insane.
To me there’s no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They’re all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.