Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 477

America is a bunch o' bullies. tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.

America will tolerate the taking of a human life without giving it a second thought. But don't misuse a household pet.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

I could never be James Bond.

Video games are so popular these days, getting the opportunity to star in one is something special. More people should do it.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."

Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums.

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

Right now we’ve got to stretch that dollar as far as we can.

When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.'

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

What I like about stand-up is, it's truthful. I'm not up there trying to get laid or look cool. I'm up there because I really love it, and it makes people happier.

If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.

Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!