Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 477
I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.
You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first!
I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with.
If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married.
I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.
Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.
I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument, and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.
Every new routine I have ever written and performed probably occurred extemporaneously. Then after you have fleshed it out and tried it out in front of a number of audiences and it works, you put it down on paper.
I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.