Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 479
A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.
We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That’s when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.
Guys don't do that when they go out. Guys don't wear outfits that feature the dong.
It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, ‘What should I wear tonight?’ ‘I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?’
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
After seven years of marriage, I'm sure of two things - first, never wallpaper together, and second, you'll need two bathrooms... both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.
I don't need to be redundant to the gay community about what's wrong and what isn't happening for them.
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If God wanted you to eat Puerto Rican Food, he would have lined your stomach with Pepto Bismol.
Have you ever seen somebody order in this country? That’s when you realize maybe we have too much freedom. “Yeah, quick question about the coffee: is it organic? OK. I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I’d like to have a cup of boiling hot water. Boiling. Boiling. With Ice. And I don’t want the ice to get all tiny.”
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex.