Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 479
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.
Gay people can't be proud of the country and want to defend it too. What's the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it. "Private, shoot that man!" "I can't, he's adorable."
There's a kiss at the end of the rainbow more precious than a pot of gold.
Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
I am pretty tenacious as a perfectionist in terms of getting something right.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart’s so funny… but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.
Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Salt we got plenty. Coffee we need." Never got a dinner!
Remember: Super Bowl is the biggest day of the year for pizza delivery - so no matter what happens in the game, Peyton Manning wins.
Adam, who said to Eve, "What do you mean you have nothing to wear?" Never got a dinner!
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.