Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 479
I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.
I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.
He has a great sense of humor - but it's in his assembly. It's really his craftsmanship that people overlook. It's not being fair to him just calling him outrageous.
Here's a tip: Never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you.
Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.