Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 479
After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.
This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'
I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.
You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.
Okay, I got no car, I got no money, and I'm gonna end the day off with this goddamn dope man's Uzi by my temple! Thank you, Jack! Look, this is Jack's day, why don't you just let Jack shoot me? Save your bullet! Jack, why don't you shoot me? Shoot me, Jack!
When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.
It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary... but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
I used to go to the Cleveland Comedy Club all the time. If there was a comic I liked, I'd go see him two or three times that week. Bob Saget was one of those guys.
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
By the way, could you get that look off your face? 'Cause I'm going a lot further then I'm already at right now. Y'know, you can stand on the curb and get on the bus, but I'm fucking driving.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?