Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 479

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

If a tree falls on your head in a forest and no one hears it, it still hurts.

When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.

I like showing different types of comedy - showing that I could tell a story, or showing that I could do a one-liner, showing I could do stuff about music – so just trying to be versatile and talking about different topics.

Now we live in an amazing, amazing world and it's wasted on the crappiest generation of spoiled idiots.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

I went to Las Vegas. I was playing craps because I had a lot of money and I needed to lose it very quickly. Crap must have been the worse word available when that game was invented. If they invented it today, they’d have to call it “motherfucker.”

How young can you die of old age?

Video games are so popular these days, getting the opportunity to star in one is something special. More people should do it.

Lot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, "Salt we got plenty. Coffee we need." Never got a dinner!

I rewrote it and I took all your notes. Read it again, that kind of persistence paid off.