Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 52
I was once on the phone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That’s like when your Gram would be ike, “We’d all go play jacks by the soda fountain.” And you’re like, “Nobody knows what you’re talking about, you idiot.”
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders.
Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling "sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.
Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.
If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.
You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.
America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't make you good.
Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what’s the guy even thinking there. "Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It’s nothing!"
Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
God... crack. Only in America would a guy invent crack. Only in America would there be a guy that cocaine wasn't good enough for. You know? One guy walking around New York City back in 1985 going, "You know, that cocaine's pretty good, but I want something that makes my heart explode as soon as I smoke it, ok? I want to take one suck off that crack pipe and go (snort) Now I'm happy! I'm dead, the ultimate high!"
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.
I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day; I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you weed people out of your life.
The people who told us about sun block were the same people who told us, when I was a kid, that eggs were good. So I ate a lot of eggs. Ten years later they said they were bad. I went, "Well, I just ate the eggs!" So I stopped eating eggs, and ten years later they said they were good again! Well, then I ate twice as many, and then they said they were bad. Well, now I'm really fucked! Then they said they're good, they're bad, they're good, the whites are good, th-the yellows - make up your mind! It's breakfast I've gotta eat!
A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it’s not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it’s your fault: "Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!"