Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 52
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!
Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.
We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.
Really? You did it so your shirts would fit better? You did it because you're a whore, you forgot because you're stupid.
Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.
My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
I quit my day job the day my daughter was born. I remember flying to Cleveland and hitting a thunderstorm, which caused the plane to lose pressure, and the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling. We felt the plane dropping; the pilot was taking it down to regain cabin pressure. My heart was in my stomach. I found out after landing that her mom was in labor. I did the show and came back to New York. By the time I walked into the hospital, my daughter was being born. She was waiting for me. She’s a sweet daddy’s girl. She’s premed. She has her own pie company. She works for Habitat for Humanity.
Bright lights, they tend to burn out fast. So I shine bright, but I'm scared that it won't last.
What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means liar.
I went into this salon in New York and I said “can I get a trim?” But it must have come out “gay Beatle please."
I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.