Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 53
I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'
Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling "sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
Why is marijuana not legal? It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt. Do you know what's not natural? Eighty-year-old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural. But we got pills for that. We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect, but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?
Sorry, I had told Craig and them I'm gon' kick it with them. Gotta go! See you when I see you!
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They’ll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that’s bullshit.
They have these runway shows and then they have a commentator going, "A return to glamor this season. A pretty face is your best asset this season." As opposed to last season. When ugly girls had a free ride. When back fat was all the rage.
Bright lights, they tend to burn out fast. So I shine bright, but I'm scared that it won't last.
When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up quick! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like... FIRE! Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3.
I have to wear a hat even indoors and flashes in particular freak me out. I even have to make them turn down the lights in the make-up trailers. I've become such a pain in the butt with this light-sensitive thing, it's a wonder they don't just shoot me.
Sometimes I like a dancing plethora of cheese in my mouth, and then other times I am into a more solo cheese adventure, just a single one on one, me and one cheese.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America.
I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.