Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 53
Do we need a two-and-a-half hour movie about the Doors? No, we don't. I can sum it up for you in five seconds, OK. I'm drunk. I'm nobody. I'm drunk. I'm famous. I'm drunk. I'm fucking dead. There's the whole movie, OK?
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.
They keep saying you can't compare apples and oranges. I can. An apple is red and distinctly non-spherical; an orange is orange and nearly spherical. So, what's the big problem?
Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I heard on the news once, and my uncle does this. The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow, where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crank of noon, make sure there's no corn growin'. You know we used to not grow tomatoes, but there's more money in not growin' corn."
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, 'Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox.' You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine - because I got her an Xbox.
"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.
The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"
I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
Then we got my dog, Duke, he’s a basset hound. Duke’s the perfect dog, yeah! He eats his own turds! Perfect dog right there. Goes outside to poop, cleans it right up! You can’t teach that. That’s just a gift. Best part is, my wife doesn’t know he does it. She loves to let that dog lick her face! That’s why we never have an argument. She starts climbing on top of me, and I’m like, “Duke! Mama needs some lovin’!”