Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 53
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles.
I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.
I don't even know how to use a semicolon to this day; I use a comma every time. And you know what? If I email somebody and they get upset about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that's not a person I want to work with anyway. And that's how you weed people out of your life.
You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.
I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.
Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.
"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "and tired." I don't remember anything after that.
Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules!
I was once on the phone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That’s like when your Gram would be ike, “We’d all go play jacks by the soda fountain.” And you’re like, “Nobody knows what you’re talking about, you idiot.”
Do we need a two-and-a-half hour movie about the Doors? No, we don't. I can sum it up for you in five seconds, OK. I'm drunk. I'm nobody. I'm drunk. I'm famous. I'm drunk. I'm fucking dead. There's the whole movie, OK?
The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"
Let's be very honest about what this is about. It's not about bashing Democrats, it's not about taxes, they have no idea what the Boston tea party was about, they don't know their history at all. This is about hating a black man in the White House. This is racism straight up.
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.