Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 51
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.
Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?
It would be great when you enter the DMV, someones just hiding there comes out and punches you in the face... Well waiting in line ain't so bad after the punch in the face.
Cocaine is yucky. I did it once: I was at a party; I was bored. I was like, 'Alright, I'll do a line.' Then I was just bored longer.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
I don’t do up. Sit-ups. Push-ups. Pull-ups. I do downs. Sit down. Lay down. Blackjack, I’ll double down. Give me a cheeseburger, I’ll wolf it down. Put on a little music, I’ll boogie down.
Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.
You know, a lot of people’s last names are based on the occupations of their ancestors. That’s true. Just in my neighborhood, right across the street lived the Cooks. Right next door to us lived the Taylors. Counter-corner from us lived the Elephant Dung Shovelers.
I hate you, Google. You've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. "I'm going to look up apples today." She just hits 'A.' It's "Asian ass porn" instantly. Google is, like, "I'll take it from here. I know exactly what you're looking up... Well, every time you hit 'A,' it's 'Asian ass porn.'" Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It's bad enough that I'm clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I'm trying to have an honest relationship, and you are fucking my shit up!
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.