Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 51
Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.
I knew it was way too cold this winter because I have not had one thought. I have not been able to complete a sentence in my own head. I find myself wondering, going; You know, I should really - fuck it's cold!
What I do, and I know all smokers do this. You know how every cigarette pack has a different surgeon general's warning on it, how cool. Mine say, "Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." ...fuck it. I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer," ya know, shop around. Hell gimme a carton of them Low Birth Weights. What the fuck do I care? 'Why you so down Bill?' Low Birth Weight. Yeah, I'm smokin' way too many Low Birth Weights.
Toblerones! It’s impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!
Scottish people aren't all that friendly are they I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went: We don't do cocktails. They've got a good thing at Scottish football games where you're not allowed to bring food to the ground and they actually search you, when you're going in, to make sure you've not got food on you. It's nice to see we've got our fucking priorities right isn't it? What's this sir? A knife. I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches. Now we've got a Scottish guy who's the number one British tennis player. I've not checked my Nostradamus but isn't that one of the harbingers of the apocalypse? The only time I've previously seen a Scottish guy playing tennis, it was someone playing charades attempting to mime the word homosexual.
Guys take care of your wife when she’s pregnant. Don’t say stupid stuff either, like me. I came home one time. My wife’s six months pregnant. She’s lying on the couch. There’s food and clothes everywhere. And I walked in and went, “What’d you do today?” Don’t do that. My wife looked up and said, “Today? I don’t know, Henry. Let’s see… what did I do today? Today I made a lung.”
They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."
Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant, you're mentally ill. If you're so far right that you actually believe that somebody who doesn't have a job and is not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay, and you get to keep 80 percent of the profit - you're mentally ill.
When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!
Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics", as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.
The only appropriate attitude for man to have about the big questions, is not the arrogant certitude that is the hallmark of religion, but doubt. Doubt is humble and that is what man needs to be, considering that human history is just a litany of getting shit dead wrong.
They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.