Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 51
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.
Black people yelling "racism!" White people yelling "reverse racism!" Chinese people yelling "sideways racism!" And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.
There's no such thing as a feminist - just women who pay for their own breast implants.
Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.
Cocaine is yucky. I did it once: I was at a party; I was bored. I was like, 'Alright, I'll do a line.' Then I was just bored longer.
The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.
You can cauterize your asshole shut, you understand me? And then when you fart, it has nowhere to go. I'm not fuckin' around, it goes into your body and into your heart and you have a fart attack, is what you have. And you will die from that, and your last breath will be a burp and it will smell like shit.
Comedy rules! Don't let anybody tell you otherwise, and there are no rules in stand-up comedy, which I really like. You can do anything you want and you can say anything that comes to mind, just so long as it's funny. If you ain't funny then get the fuck off the stage, it`s that simple.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.