Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 548
We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!
It’s an amazingly consistent thing with Irish people. We will talk to strangers at parties for hours. It’s what we were bred to do I think. And the Jewish people were bred to write the stuff that we say.
I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! "I'm the two plate guy!" Clank! Clank! "Anyone wanna spot me?" Clank! Clank!
Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.
In the last couple of years, I guess I've spent six figures on clothes. I figure I spend a lot of time shopping. Eight to ten days a month, I go out and buy. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm a real clothes whore.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
Well, there's no credible link between Iraq and al Qaeda. There's no credible link between Iraq and 9/11.
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, "Where did he touch you?" She said, "On my knee, Bobby."
Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years.