Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 548

Lets suppose there is a Louis Vuitton store. The Indian guy will walk past this Louis Vuitton store everyday of his life and will never step foot into it. "*indian accent* not even in their best sale will I be going in there. No thank you". Chinese people, sale or no sale, you are going to Louis Vuitton EVERYDAY. You NEVER buy shit. Sales guy asks you 'Can I help you sir' "*chinese accent* No, just looking". Minute sales guy looks the other way Chinese guy whips out a camera *sound of camera clicking photos* - ka ching, ka ching, ka ch-ch-ch-ching. Goes home, emails the pictures to Hong Kong "Make this bag quickly. We'll sell it to the Indians".

So, what are you in for? Manslaughter! I slaughtered a man! Just like a pig! Put him on a spit and put an apple in his mouth!

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones.

There is a slim difference between putting on a condom and fucking a balloon.

I just want people to know, “this dude is a funny dude. I’m a fan of this dude. Now I’m looking forward to the next one.”

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

They didn’t invent eavesdropping for compliments.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Whats that star? It's the Death Star. What does it do? It does Death! It does Death buddy! Get out of my way.

First of all never buy a man a plasma TV until youre married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend.

I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

I want to see gay couples stuck with their significant other at Home Depot with that far away look in their eye, get me out of here.