Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 548
You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE.
Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years.
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.
Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.
I want to see gay couples stuck with their significant other at Home Depot with that far away look in their eye, get me out of here.
I’ve always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.
Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.
I like "Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory" because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like "Dawn of the dead" because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
I never thought I'd see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so, than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we was in Mississippi.
I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I'm equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I'm at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.