Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 549
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.
Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
I'm very much a humanist. I'm very much pro-choice. I'm very much politically correct.
"I like it when the waiter asks you if you want Parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!"
In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.
You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE.