Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 549

We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

Before everyone screams for me to get over myself, let me say that it’s no use. I never will.

You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can't get yourself to do it? I gotta go to the post office ... but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until 5. I'm going to have to do that next week."

That's what I take pride in in my stand-up, is changing things up. Being special.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

At night, I'll notice a thigh will just start aching. And this arm, and this...

I wanted her in a bad way, though I wasn’t sure exactly for what. Had she one day suddenly turned and yelled, “Jam it in!” at me, I’m not convinced I’d have known what to do.

That's your little joke? Don't worry! We'll mop it up later.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

Who’s more irrational, a Christian who believes in a God he can’t see, or an atheist who’s offended by a God he doesn’t even believe in?

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.

It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.

Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.

I've always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can't focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would've read, like the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.