Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 549
I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads. I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot.
There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.
I started writing this feature comedy in New York - a Chris Farley vehicle. The script was decent. When I got to LA, I met some new friends in film school and had them read my script and give me notes.
Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?
I’m dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.
In the last couple of years, I guess I've spent six figures on clothes. I figure I spend a lot of time shopping. Eight to ten days a month, I go out and buy. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm a real clothes whore.
I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.
Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
If I drive my SUV I’m supporting terrorism. Okay, I’ll take a taxi, Is that better?
Well, there's no credible link between Iraq and al Qaeda. There's no credible link between Iraq and 9/11.
A person asked me, "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her, "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."