Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 547

Purple and gold tigers don't really enter my world unless I've been up for a couple of days.

I want to take that cheese and do terrible things to it.

Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

The course of true golf never did run smooth.

Hey, I work one full hour a day!

I am also huddling with creative advisers and studying the possibility of calling it The.

I started writing this feature comedy in New York - a Chris Farley vehicle. The script was decent. When I got to LA, I met some new friends in film school and had them read my script and give me notes.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

Alexander Graham Bell’s wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, "Your three minutes are up." Never got a dinner!