Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 547
A friend of mine had his own theatre company, and he jumped me in like I was in a gang. And once I came in, it was just that simple. For the first time in my life, I felt, 'This is a career, this is a life that I think I can grow old doing.' It was love at first sight. I loved being on stage and reading these plays. It was great.
I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.
Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.
In March I had a minor heart attack while I was vacationing in Australia. it scared me, but it was nothing compared to what someone had in store for me down the road.
Like with Parks and Recreation, it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had.
And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.
I think you sound like an angel, and everyone else sounds like demons.
I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.
Halftime at the Super Bowl is the best because halftime at the Super Bowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word 'exponentially' because I was taught it in math class and that was the first sentence I could use it in. 'Exponentially worse' means crappier and crappier and crappier.