Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 610
I’m nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I’m a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there’s a guy at the velvet rope and he’s saying you’re hot enough to get it and you’re not. And I know I’m in the not list. That’s not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.
She picked me up in her car because I was traveling by bus, and I thought it would be a lot easier for her to pick me up in her car than for me to convince Greyhound to reroute the bus to go by her house. The paperwork alone - logistical nightmare.
I am 65, my friends say I look 55, I feel 45, I'll settle for 35, and you make me feel 25!
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."
(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) "Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air -- in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy."
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.
You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.