Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 610

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.

The second piece of news is something that I would imagine most people have heard about by now. Arrested Development got picked up for a third season.

All TV is, is really: "Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that." There's nothing really in the middle.

Carrot Top will be doing a show about the history of ancient trunks. Gallagher will be smashing ancient fruit.

It's so much easier to be cynical.

Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.

How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Venus Williams has brought something different to the women’s game – male genitalia.

Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.