Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 610

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

Don't do shit you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of shit and quit... and steel big shit too.

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

It's so much easier to be cynical.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

You might be a redneck if you refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year".

You've got to keep moving, keep creating.

They say my public persona don’t have enough appeal, I take a lesson from Kanye and give 'em something real.

I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.

I'm not going to get to pick the restaurant. Because I'm going to go "where do you want to eat?", and she's going to go "I don't care." So I'll say, "okay, how about Italian?" "Hmmmm..." I'm not going to get to pick the movie, and there's a real good chance I'm not going to get lucky! That's not a date!

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.