Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 609

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.

Don't do shit you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of shit and quit... and steel big shit too.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages.

If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.

You might be a redneck if your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

Being extraordinary is hard. It takes work, and pain, and a good mom, and a good dad, and a good pair of shoes, and I cant do it. It's not in me. Ordinary is all I got. Cheers.

I try to be me to the utmost.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.

The problem is that your daughter has given her heart to a 15-year-old boy, and a 15-year-old boy does not yet qualify as a human being.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.