Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 609
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
Do you know they have a pill to stop you from gambling? What are the odds?
I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.
I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.
Stop worrying. Hollywood won't turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs... I will.
When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.
I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.
I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.
Taping yourself and making yourself listen to the tape of each performance no matter how bad is really important. There's always a nugget line or a direction pointed out to you in even the worst show.
Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.