Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 609

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the "business of rejection".

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

Good morning... never experienced that myself.

All TV is, is really: "Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that." There's nothing really in the middle.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "

I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.