Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 609

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which, of course, in German means a whale's vagina.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, "yeah, that's not really comedy."

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented.

Put your life out there and make it entertaining.

I wasn't feeling it, really. But I just had to do what I had to do. It turned out the better for me.

Isn't this posh? I'll bet you need credit references just to get in the pool.

You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.