Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 609

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.

I guess you could say I'm a direct vessel of god.

I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.

I'm really white. I'm English white, that's basically turbo white. My skin is borderline translucent. If I'm standing, and the sun is behind me, I'm a functioning x-ray.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.

When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.

Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.

I love being married, it's great, but I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, 'What's wrong with you?' And I'm like, 'I know! Damn it! Argh!' She wins most of them anyway. I might as well be on the winning side occasionally.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.