Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 611

I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

I saw the head of NOW - National Organization of Women - saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I’m not sure I’m going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder".

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.