Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 611
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".
I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.
A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.
Don't do shit you hate... there's another way... quit. Go in Monday and steel a bunch of shit and quit... and steel big shit too.
Many Zookeeper sequels in the works. Paul Blart Mall Keeper, Kevin James interacts with talking berets at Lids. Then there’s Morning Zookeepers, where he’s a morning deejay and interacting with talking animals.
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last.
Venus Williams has brought something different to the women’s game – male genitalia.
Being extraordinary is hard. It takes work, and pain, and a good mom, and a good dad, and a good pair of shoes, and I cant do it. It's not in me. Ordinary is all I got. Cheers.
Mainstream culture is like your mom: It’s always a little late to catch on and gets easily confused by technology, but it means well.