Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 611

Love it when you're smiling.

We're having one of those babies soon. I'm really excited about it because it's probably my first kid.

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job.

I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

I know you people, you're the smart ones. You're not the ones going down the freeway with a seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks. You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.

Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

My stand-up act is very clean.

Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.