Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 611
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".
I think the Republicans took all the fun out of 'gay.' I mean the word gay - it's fun. But now it's a ban on same sex partners. That sounds horrible. I mean, when do you hear a ban? When it's a toxic pesticide or a nuclear warhead. And who wants to fuck a partner? It sounds like a guy in a gray suit at a law firm.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.
It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.
When I started out in 1960, I thought it might possibly last a couple of years. I never expected it to last 42. I take great satisfaction in that longevity.