Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 611

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which, of course, in German means a whale's vagina.

I like doing new material in LA. It's very challenging.

He gives his wife something to look forward to - a divorce.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, "yeah, that's not really comedy."

When I first got to St. Louis, I saw the arch and I said, ‘I want to go to that McDonalds.'

If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.

I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

Put your life out there and make it entertaining.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.