Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 62

We don't do that here. We only take urine samples.

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

I quit my day job the day my daughter was born. I remember flying to Cleveland and hitting a thunderstorm, which caused the plane to lose pressure, and the oxygen masks fell from the ceiling. We felt the plane dropping; the pilot was taking it down to regain cabin pressure. My heart was in my stomach. I found out after landing that her mom was in labor. I did the show and came back to New York. By the time I walked into the hospital, my daughter was being born. She was waiting for me. She’s a sweet daddy’s girl. She’s premed. She has her own pie company. She works for Habitat for Humanity.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

I had long hair and I was going bald. There’s no way to do both of those things and look cool. Every year I looked more and more like Ben Franklin.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

I went into this salon in New York and I said “can I get a trim?” But it must have come out “gay Beatle please."

It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America.

Just saying ladies, stop worrying about shit that don't matter. some of you that had some babies, now you got some stretch marks, walking around the house bitter. Blaming the baby, showing the baby your highschool picture, talking about 'LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!

I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They’ll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that’s bullshit.

Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.