Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 61

The only black part about Barack Obama is that that nigga don’t know his dad!

If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, "This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?" And eventually he dies of thirst.

I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?

I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'...what a great country we live in. Dirt for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? It's a big world for this gentleman. 'Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin' waffles and come here baby. I'm gunna sell dirt! Look it's everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!' The place was called Land Land.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

You’re going into business with that Puerto Rican? You ought to call yourselves “Julio and Big Foolio.”

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

I went water skiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me... or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

That’s all they can say about me, is “fat motherfucker”, that’s it! People kill me. “Fat motherfucker.” And people that don’t like fat people, quit calling us “fat motherfucker”, ‘cause that don’t bother us, you understand what I’m sayin’? Lady called me that the other day, “ya fat muthafucka!” I don’t give a damn! You wanna make me mad, tell me Popeye’s Chicken goin’ out of business. Nigga, I set this theater on fire!

So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't - hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. Then you're pushing 40. You reach 50; then you make it to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you hit 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You hit Wednesday... You get into your 80's; you hit lunch, you hit 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was just 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."