Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 61
By the way, everything I say is wrong; I'm a complete hypocrite. I've dated girls with boob jobs, breast enlargements, but she was an A cup and that's gross. Get it fixed girls, you're not even a real woman.
If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it’s kind of like saying 'This guy can’t cure cancer. I’m gonna vote for cancer.'
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Democracy is the worst kind, I’m sorry but it is. “We get to pick our leaders.” Well, what if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own, I don’t want to be led. Is that freedom?
I had a very Italian house - the “plastic furniture you couldn’t sit on” house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it’s traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one’s ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.
You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.
You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day.'
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I wanted to be a general manager. I wanted to kind of run the show, wanted to get out there and get into the nuts and bolts of finding the talent and trying to coordinate putting the club together and doing the scouting part of it and go through the whole thing.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
Gas is so mother'fuckin high. Hot Damn gas. Shit!! You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, "Did I eat today?" "I can get no half a tank, I've got 3 cigarettes."