Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 61
I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!
I went water skiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me... or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.
Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.
I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, "That is cool". But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, "That is not cool". Then I figured it out: Cool is all about leather sleeves.
I don't believe in cancer walks. Well, I believe in them because they exist but I'd rather just give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon. I can make my own t-shirt, that's not incentive. Plus I don't think cancer responds to how far people walk. I don't think cancer's sitting at home, 'What? How many people walked how far? How many people walked how far wearing the same shirt? That's crazy! I'm out of here!' Remission.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
I don't care if the average guy on the street really knows what I'm like, as long as he knows I'm not really a mean, vicious guy. My friends and family know what I'm really like. That's what's important.