Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 638
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
They mess with your food, they do. They go 'Well Wanda, first we're gonna cut out all your carbs...' OK, wait a minute, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I've got this medical condition, and when you cut out my carbs - my foot? Right up your ass.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
How do I say this without sounding like an egomaniac? I don't know a comedian that sells more seats than me in the red states and blue states, so I don't see where I have to change that much.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
I’m a white guy with a black sister. How could I be racist? “I can’t stand black people. They’re always reading my diary.” And I know I just told you I keep a diary. But before you judge me, let me say that if you were a white Jewish kid with a black sister, you’d start writing things down too.