Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 638

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

My parents didn't want to get divorced until they passed away.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.

One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts.

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.