Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 638

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

I have always tried to use humour to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.