Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 638

I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

When we were kids movies were scary. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain... I'm lathering one side at a time.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

No, even when you're making fun of people in this business, they want to take credit for it. That's how big the egos are.

Oh, I can't do it right now; I'm busy, I'm busy, too.

You don’t have to go from zero to… the Dos Equis guy. You can take smaller steps.

It felt very natural right off the bat. It was really tailor-made for him and mine was tailor-made for me, so it was easy to jump into.

For most of my relationships, I would have liaisons, and I would feel guilty.