Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 639

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

'Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay...' Yeah, why wouldn't you?!

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.