Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 639

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."

There is no way to get better in stand up comedy than by failing.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!

Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

Oh, I can't do it right now; I'm busy, I'm busy, too.

It felt very natural right off the bat. It was really tailor-made for him and mine was tailor-made for me, so it was easy to jump into.

For most of my relationships, I would have liaisons, and I would feel guilty.