Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 639
I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."
For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.
Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?
NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.
You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.