Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 639

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?

That’s when you know you’re a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts.

Diabetes is a sugar imbalance. You are an estrogen molotov cocktail.

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.

The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.