Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 637

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, "Guess who’s not coming to dinner?" Never got a dinner!

I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.

Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.

"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.