Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 637

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I got a truck outside with my name on it: Sanford and Son. I’m Sanford and this is Son.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.