Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 637

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Chicks can make you flip more than any drug would.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

You know what the average person is? Average.

The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.

Those who learn nothing from history are condemned to rewrite it.

How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.

Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them.

Here's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.

I have always tried to use humour to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

A lot of good love can happen in ten years.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.