Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 637

I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'

How long have you been a black man?

That’s when you know you’re a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.