Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 637

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

Sydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, "Guess who’s not coming to dinner?" Never got a dinner!

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

My mom raised me to never have anything control me.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.

One of the things that’s funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go ‘Oh, you’re great, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, ‘I made this thing, and I’m going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.’

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.