Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.

Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.