Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."
If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.
I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? ‘My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.’ Mission accomplished.
I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.
Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.
Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.
Hang out with the worst people imaginable while they’re all in “fuck it!” mode - Vegas!
I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.