Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.

I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'