Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with fucking adrenaline!

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.