Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.