Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

18,873 quotes

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.

Funny is funny.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.

I want to do movies that mean something, that make people laugh and cry great movies, period-piece movies and work with the best people out there, who bring the best out of me.

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.