Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."