Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

They're going to ask those questions.

I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.