Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

"This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest."

Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.

Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.

If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.