Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

John Travolta, who said, "My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash." Never got a dinner!

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?