Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
Farts are - I just refuse to be snobbish about certain shit with comedy. You know, farts come out of your ass and they make a fucking trumpet sound. That shit smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the fuck is not funny about that? It’s perfect, it’s a perfect joke. It has all the elements.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
If you are wondering if a guinea pig is the right pet for you, find an old shoe, put it in a cage, then teach it how to shit. In love yet?
Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.
I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
You can’t always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you’ve just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn’t work, I’ve got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it’s important to have backup.
I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.
Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.
I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.