Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

"This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest."

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.

If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

All children have brain damage!

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.