Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.