Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.