Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.