Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’