Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

All children have brain damage!

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

They're going to ask those questions.

I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.