Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.

"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.