Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.
I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.