Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

I’m nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I’m a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there’s a guy at the velvet rope and he’s saying you’re hot enough to get it and you’re not. And I know I’m in the not list. That’s not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

My mom raised me to never have anything control me.

"This is no way to run a business," I told Dim Sum, and then looked at Tons of Fun. "And you might want to lay off the carbs, you fucking wildebeest."

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?

I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.