Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.