Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'

I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.