Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.