Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.
Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.
Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.
In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
My life is nothing like the Daddy Day Care life. Me around the house is nothing like the Daddy Day Care dad.
This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.