Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.