Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'