Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.