Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets. He was a tweeter and, er, one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er, The past tense of tweet. One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house. And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.