Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

18,873 quotes

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

The longer that I live the less time I have to worry.

It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?