Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

18,873 quotes

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I don't get sick.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I read comic books but I don’t believe in them. Like if somebody said to me, “Hey Myq, who would win in a fight, Thor or Superman?” I’d say, “I don’t know who would would win that fight my friendless friend. But I do know who would win in a fight between you and anyone you went to high school with.”

All children have brain damage!

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.