Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!