Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.
I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.
It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.