Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Oh, shit... somebody fucked you up real bad. I'll tell you what... I'm gonna go now, cuz I think you want to sit there, by yourself, and think about who you pissed off. Excuse me.

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

IRS officials calling you acting like you owe them the money personally! I don’t owe you shit! This is between me and the company!

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.