Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.