Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".
You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
'Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay...' Yeah, why wouldn't you?!
Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."