Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

When you take a pause before delivering your punch line, you will be using silence as a creative entity in itself.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!