Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.
How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.