Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.