Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.

According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.

When I'm onstage, I'm acting.

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I don't get sick.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?