Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.
Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.