Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

I’m in a whole different part of show business. I’m not even part of Shakespeare in Love.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."

When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

All children have brain damage!

Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.