Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.

If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

All children have brain damage!