Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.

Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.

My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.