Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.