Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."
When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
I have always tried to use humour to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.