Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.
When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.
I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"