Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.