Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

When I'm onstage, I'm acting.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.