Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.
If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.