Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
It's ok that I'm swearing. One, because, you know, I'm lucky enough to live in a country where I'm allowed to do that, and two, and much more importantly, I'm British, and it just sounds adorable coming out of my mouth. You know it's true. You just can't be offended in the same way. I'll give you an example: fuck knuckle. That's borderline poetry!