Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"