Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.
I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.
I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets. He was a tweeter and, er, one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er, The past tense of tweet. One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house. And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.