Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.
Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?
I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.