Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
You can’t always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you’ve just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn’t work, I’ve got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it’s important to have backup.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.