Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.
When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.
I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.