Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'