Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
It's just sad to see some white person trying to do a nigger-less rendition of a Dr. Dre song. It's just fuckin' depressing.
You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's."
I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.
Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.
I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.