Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I don't get sick.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.

There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.