Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.
Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.