Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!