Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

All children have brain damage!

I guess in my house when I was growing up, I was comfortable trying to be funny. And my dad, of course, it bugged him sometimes. He was trying to rest, and I was constantly trying to say something stupid to get a reaction. But I like doing these movies. You can do it in front of the camera and then it's over. I don't have to worry about being in front of too many people.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

They're going to ask those questions.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.

I’m a white guy with a black sister. How could I be racist? “I can’t stand black people. They’re always reading my diary.” And I know I just told you I keep a diary. But before you judge me, let me say that if you were a white Jewish kid with a black sister, you’d start writing things down too.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...