Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.
Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?