Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

Postpartum depression? More like bitches being bitches.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

My favorite show of all time has to be Charlie’s Angels… My hair was so feathered, that the back of my head looked like a butt.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.