Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.
I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.