Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
I know when the anthrax thing hit, white people y’all was very nervous. Y’all would come up to me at work and warn me, “Oh my God Aries, be careful. Don’t open the mail.” Black folks was never worried about anthrax. Because half the time we don’t open our mail no way. We might think that’s a bill… Y’all want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.