Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

They're going to ask those questions.

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.