Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.