Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

They're going to ask those questions.

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.