Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.
I guess in my house when I was growing up, I was comfortable trying to be funny. And my dad, of course, it bugged him sometimes. He was trying to rest, and I was constantly trying to say something stupid to get a reaction. But I like doing these movies. You can do it in front of the camera and then it's over. I don't have to worry about being in front of too many people.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.