Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.