Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.

When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”