Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I’m in a whole different part of show business. I’m not even part of Shakespeare in Love.

It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.