Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".

To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I told jokes badly.

In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'