Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.