Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.
I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.