Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.