Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 644
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.
When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.