Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

All children have brain damage!

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.

No, I'm not dying, and I sure... ain't dead.

You can’t climb a tile wall.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"

May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts.

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.

Growing up, it was always, ‘If you buy kosher meat, they’re killed humanely.’ But I’ve seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.