Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!