Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.