Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
It's ok that I'm swearing. One, because, you know, I'm lucky enough to live in a country where I'm allowed to do that, and two, and much more importantly, I'm British, and it just sounds adorable coming out of my mouth. You know it's true. You just can't be offended in the same way. I'll give you an example: fuck knuckle. That's borderline poetry!
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.
As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.