Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.
When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?
I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?