Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I’m in a whole different part of show business. I’m not even part of Shakespeare in Love.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.