Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.