Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
“My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
People kill me about being a big guy. They always asking me dumb questions… Every time I breathe in, they’re like, “Why you breathing so hard?’ “So I can live!”
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.