Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears! Personally I think its bollocks!
Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath, "Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned!" Never got a dinner!
My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?
This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.
I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "