Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.
A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.
I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.
You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"