Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.
When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.