Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.