Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.
I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.
I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.
I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.
I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!