Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.

No, I'm not dying, and I sure... ain't dead.

Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.

You can’t climb a tile wall.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

Step up or step aside.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"

The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?