Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.
I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.