Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"