Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.