Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I don't get sick.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.