Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'