Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'

Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.