Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: The retarded gynecologist, the retarded Jesus, the retarded Osama Bin Laden. It works. It's funny. Inappropriate? I dunno. I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of what crosses the line of good taste being that I am retarded. Socially perhaps, but severly retarded.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
I was a somewhat bright child, which led to different sorts of problems. In second grade, I moved up to fourth grade math and reading. There was an option to skip a grade but I was so tiny and microscopic that my mom was, like, 'He has enough now, let's not make his life totally terrible.' I stayed in my grade but alienated everyone by being, like, 'brainiac.'
I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.