Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled.
I couldn't do sports and so in my head I was like, 'Ladies will see my hand to hand dexterity and they will want these hands inside them.' First of all, flawed, you're juggling balls.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
Get a good dog. We have not picked up food in the kitchen in 15 years.
Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.
I think there’s aliens. I just think they’re smarter than us and that’s why we don’t know they’re here. Like, fish don’t know we’re up here, but we’re certainly snagging them whenever we feel like it.
My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."