Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.
You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."
People don’t care that you’re doing theater. I get stopped in New York. “Aren’t you that comedian from TV. What are you doing now?” <br /> “I just did a year on Broadway.” <br /> “What channel?” <br /> It’s not a channel!
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
I guess in my house when I was growing up, I was comfortable trying to be funny. And my dad, of course, it bugged him sometimes. He was trying to rest, and I was constantly trying to say something stupid to get a reaction. But I like doing these movies. You can do it in front of the camera and then it's over. I don't have to worry about being in front of too many people.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.