Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"