Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.