Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.