Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets. He was a tweeter and, er, one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er, The past tense of tweet. One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house. And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.