Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.
I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"
For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."
I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.