Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.