Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

My father and I had dinner tonight and I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, “Could you pass me the salt please?” But it comes out, “You putz, you ruined my childhood.”

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.