Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.
Guys are not good at marriage. It's not our fault; we weren't prepared for it like women are. Your whole life is built just preparation for marriage, every toy you played with. When you're a baby they give you a baby doll. So they give you a baby when you're a baby. You don't even know you're alive yet and they're like, 'Look, I would probably start figuring this out. This is where it's going.' Then they give you Barbie and Ken -- they live in a little house together and that is where you learn how to make drama.
This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.
For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.
I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."