Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'
One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
My father and I had dinner tonight and I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, “Could you pass me the salt please?” But it comes out, “You putz, you ruined my childhood.”
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.