Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
It's ok that I'm swearing. One, because, you know, I'm lucky enough to live in a country where I'm allowed to do that, and two, and much more importantly, I'm British, and it just sounds adorable coming out of my mouth. You know it's true. You just can't be offended in the same way. I'll give you an example: fuck knuckle. That's borderline poetry!
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?
Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.
Guys are not good at marriage. It's not our fault; we weren't prepared for it like women are. Your whole life is built just preparation for marriage, every toy you played with. When you're a baby they give you a baby doll. So they give you a baby when you're a baby. You don't even know you're alive yet and they're like, 'Look, I would probably start figuring this out. This is where it's going.' Then they give you Barbie and Ken -- they live in a little house together and that is where you learn how to make drama.