Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.

Always do whatever's next.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Are you moving so quick now that it seems like time has stopped?

I don't get sick.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.