Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”
I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.
I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.