Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.