Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.