Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.

It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.