Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.