Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.