Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.

They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.