Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

All children have brain damage!

You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.

I guess in my house when I was growing up, I was comfortable trying to be funny. And my dad, of course, it bugged him sometimes. He was trying to rest, and I was constantly trying to say something stupid to get a reaction. But I like doing these movies. You can do it in front of the camera and then it's over. I don't have to worry about being in front of too many people.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.