Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

I’m nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I’m a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there’s a guy at the velvet rope and he’s saying you’re hot enough to get it and you’re not. And I know I’m in the not list. That’s not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

I don't get sick.

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.

I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.