Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.