Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

My mom raised me to never have anything control me.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.

I don't get sick.