Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.