Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

They're going to ask those questions.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.