Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.