Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.

According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.