Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.