Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".
When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!