Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.