Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

My dad’s a gun collector… He tells me all of them for protection. Then he told me one of them shoots 400 yards. I don’t know a lot about the laws of self defense, but you’re gonna need a good lawyer if you pick someone off a quarter mile away from you.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!

I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.

Hang out with the worst people imaginable while they’re all in “fuck it!” mode - Vegas!

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

One of the things that’s funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go ‘Oh, you’re great, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, ‘I made this thing, and I’m going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.’