Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

I’m in a whole different part of show business. I’m not even part of Shakespeare in Love.

According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.