Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

When I'm onstage, I'm acting.

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.