Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!