Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.