Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

My mom raised me to never have anything control me.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.