Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.