Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.