Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

18,873 quotes

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I don't get sick.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.

There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.