Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.

But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!

If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.