Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Are you possessed... by a twat?

I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, "yeah, that's not really comedy."

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

We can't agree on religion and guns and economics and sadly civil rights but if the wealthy won't chip in for the needy we are done.

We're more effective than birth control pills.