Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?
Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”