Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.
If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.
It's ok that I'm swearing. One, because, you know, I'm lucky enough to live in a country where I'm allowed to do that, and two, and much more importantly, I'm British, and it just sounds adorable coming out of my mouth. You know it's true. You just can't be offended in the same way. I'll give you an example: fuck knuckle. That's borderline poetry!
When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.