Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?

I guess in my house when I was growing up, I was comfortable trying to be funny. And my dad, of course, it bugged him sometimes. He was trying to rest, and I was constantly trying to say something stupid to get a reaction. But I like doing these movies. You can do it in front of the camera and then it's over. I don't have to worry about being in front of too many people.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.