Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.

They're going to ask those questions.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.