Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.
You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.
I cried when I turned 34 for no other reason than 34 sounded old to me at the time.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.
I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.