Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.
When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.
Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!
I read comic books but I don’t believe in them. Like if somebody said to me, “Hey Myq, who would win in a fight, Thor or Superman?” I’d say, “I don’t know who would would win that fight my friendless friend. But I do know who would win in a fight between you and anyone you went to high school with.”