Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

All children have brain damage!

No, I'm not dying, and I sure... ain't dead.

Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.