Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn't make his bones laying down for punks...
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.