Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!