Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

Always do whatever's next.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I don't get sick.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.