Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.
No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.