Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
I think it’s kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that’s stealing. Wow talk about ironic.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.
You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."
A lady goes into a bar and orders a beer. So, she sits there and drinks it for a while. Well, a man comes in a few minutes later and liked to buy the lady another drink. He asks her, "Is that a beer you're drinking?" She's like, "No, it must be pee I'm drinking because it's a yellowish color." Duh!! Here's your sign.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.
Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".