Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?

In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

They're going to ask those questions.

In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.

Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!