Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645
My favorite show of all time has to be Charlie’s Angels… My hair was so feathered, that the back of my head looked like a butt.
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.
I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
I actually graze at several of the homes while I'm playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?