Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

A lot of comedians are selfish.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."