Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 645

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.

I’m in a whole different part of show business. I’m not even part of Shakespeare in Love.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I don't get sick.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.