Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 643

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"