Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 643

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.