Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 643
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.
My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.
Fans of the comic book are upset that the filmmakers chose to depict Spider-Man's web shooter as organic instead of as a device created by his alter ego, Peter Parker. Fucking nerds!
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...