Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 643
If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.
I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…
The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.
NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
Oh, shit... somebody fucked you up real bad. I'll tell you what... I'm gonna go now, cuz I think you want to sit there, by yourself, and think about who you pissed off. Excuse me.
I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”