Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 643

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

When you take a pause before delivering your punch line, you will be using silence as a creative entity in itself.

Thats a Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price" "*indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."

I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.

The thing about stand-up was, I was doing all this sketch and YouTube stuff where I was not being censored and I got to do my own thing, and it was really cool.

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.

I just felt wonderful about that. Just to erase all that mess about,"'Well, I'm either flipping burgers or doing drugs, you know, or getting shot." You know, that kind of a thing.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.