Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 643

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.

To be famous and broke is hard.

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama" … nobody tells daddy shit!

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.