Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 643

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

The CEO of a company lied to you. But isn't that financial reporting?

Yeah, good to be here. I haven't been here in two years... Thanks. It's that warmth I've missed in Austin. So, we been here, ain't our fault you gotta travel around, shit. We supposed to follow you around? You supposed to be back here. What are you doin', where are you?

I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

I would love to have acidy spit.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me...

Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.