Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 646

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.