Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 646

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."

Funny is funny.

America, I appreciate you liking me.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

One of the things that’s funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go ‘Oh, you’re great, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, ‘I made this thing, and I’m going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.’

Are you moving so quick now that it seems like time has stopped?

There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket.