Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 646

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy.

I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.

I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.

I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

That’s when you know you’re a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Love is like a roll of tape. It's real good for making two things one, but just like that roll of tape, love sometimes breaks off before you were done. Another way that love is similar to tape, that I've noticed is sometimes it's hard to see the end. You search on the roll with your fingernail.

It's not till you get out on tour that you realize the impact.

The sun comes up and so does your dick. Cause at heart your dick's a farmer!

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.