Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 646

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

I don't get sick.

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.