Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 646

Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.

There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center. I think he misunderstood the sign.

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'

You can’t climb a tile wall.

Fans of the comic book are upset that the filmmakers chose to depict Spider-Man's web shooter as organic instead of as a device created by his alter ego, Peter Parker. Fucking nerds!

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

I never get to do nothin' in this house!

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.