Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 646

A lot of comedians are selfish.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

Alcoholics Anonymous makes scientology look credible!

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

A lady goes into a bar and orders a beer. So, she sits there and drinks it for a while. Well, a man comes in a few minutes later and liked to buy the lady another drink. He asks her, "Is that a beer you're drinking?" She's like, "No, it must be pee I'm drinking because it's a yellowish color." Duh!! Here's your sign.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.