Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 646

Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.

I don't believe in karma.

I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

My life is nothing like the Daddy Day Care life. Me around the house is nothing like the Daddy Day Care dad.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

Oh, shit... somebody fucked you up real bad. I'll tell you what... I'm gonna go now, cuz I think you want to sit there, by yourself, and think about who you pissed off. Excuse me.