Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.
She was so helpful and so sweet and so giving. I call it the food-poisoning effect. Everybody knows where they got food poisoning. We take that first bite and there's kind of an awful taste or a bad smell. You knew it was a little off, but you just kept going.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'
I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...
They mess with your food, they do. They go 'Well Wanda, first we're gonna cut out all your carbs...' OK, wait a minute, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I've got this medical condition, and when you cut out my carbs - my foot? Right up your ass.