Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

All children have brain damage!

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

They mess with your food, they do. They go 'Well Wanda, first we're gonna cut out all your carbs...' OK, wait a minute, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I've got this medical condition, and when you cut out my carbs - my foot? Right up your ass.

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.