Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.
One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: The retarded gynecologist, the retarded Jesus, the retarded Osama Bin Laden. It works. It's funny. Inappropriate? I dunno. I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of what crosses the line of good taste being that I am retarded. Socially perhaps, but severly retarded.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.
I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.
I was a somewhat bright child, which led to different sorts of problems. In second grade, I moved up to fourth grade math and reading. There was an option to skip a grade but I was so tiny and microscopic that my mom was, like, 'He has enough now, let's not make his life totally terrible.' I stayed in my grade but alienated everyone by being, like, 'brainiac.'
I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.