Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

All children have brain damage!

No, I'm not dying, and I sure... ain't dead.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

Step up or step aside.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.