Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I told jokes badly.

People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

God old people on coaches! Fuck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.