Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"

But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"

Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

All children have brain damage!

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.