Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

The longer that I live the less time I have to worry.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

All children have brain damage!

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'