Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

Chicks can make you flip more than any drug would.

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."

How long have you been a black man?

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'