Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.
Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.
In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better