Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.

I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

I don't get sick.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

How long have you been a black man?

For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.