Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
Some of my inventions didn’t take off. I invented a url lengthener.
I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.