Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."

I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And my wife goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.

I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.