Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.
You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.