Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.