Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.