Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.