Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.
For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.
Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!
My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.
Bullfights are hugely popular because you can sit comfortably with a hot dog and possibly watch a man die. It won't be me, but I can sit comfortably and watch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.