Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

They're going to ask those questions.

I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.

No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.

According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.