Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

It’s quite hard being right in the face of people who are wrong without sounding like a fuckwit. People go “do you think the vast majority of the world is wrong”, well yes. I don’t know how to say that nicely, but yes.”

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.

Comedy may be big business but it isn't pretty.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.