Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I don't get sick.

I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.

I actually graze at several of the homes while I'm playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?

On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!