Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.

A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

My mom raised me to never have anything control me.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

Are you moving so quick now that it seems like time has stopped?

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'