Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?