Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.

According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!