Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

People don’t care that you’re doing theater. I get stopped in New York. “Aren’t you that comedian from TV. What are you doing now?” <br /> “I just did a year on Broadway.” <br /> “What channel?” <br /> It’s not a channel!

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

All children have brain damage!

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

I actually graze at several of the homes while I'm playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?

No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.