Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"