Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

I just felt wonderful about that. Just to erase all that mess about,"'Well, I'm either flipping burgers or doing drugs, you know, or getting shot." You know, that kind of a thing.

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.