Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

When I'm onstage, I'm acting.