Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!
One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.
I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.
I wasn't feeling it, really. But I just had to do what I had to do. It turned out the better for me.
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.
I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.