Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.