Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I got a truck outside with my name on it: Sanford and Son. I’m Sanford and this is Son.
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.