Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
I am always hoping to do another CD. This atmosphere has been difficult.
One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.
The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.
Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!
I pull up at the Christmas tree shop and I walk up and the guy says "hey you here to buy a tree?" "Nope, My son had to go to the bathroom and these trees looked mighty inviting." Here's your sign!
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.
There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center. I think he misunderstood the sign.
My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.
I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.
Do you do those secret farts at the supermarket. Quickly piss off to another aisle.