Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.