Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

I love Oprah but she thinks she’s Jesus. And when she gets a papercut, she’s like, “Oh, Stigmata.”<br /> “No, Oprah, it’s not stigmata.”<br /> “But, I…”<br /> “Get off the cross and do your show.”

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.

I believe everyone has this fuckin' poem in his heart.

You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."

The most challenging part of being a dad is trying to postpone the moment when they realize you don't know anything. I love any sentence that begins with "Daddy...?" because it's implied they're looking up to you - that you'll have the answer. The truth is, I don't have any answers.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

My parents didn't want to get divorced until they passed away.