Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…
This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"
Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?
One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.