Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.