Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.