Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
One of the things that’s funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go ‘Oh, you’re great, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, ‘I made this thing, and I’m going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.’
I just felt wonderful about that. Just to erase all that mess about,"'Well, I'm either flipping burgers or doing drugs, you know, or getting shot." You know, that kind of a thing.
My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.
She was so helpful and so sweet and so giving. I call it the food-poisoning effect. Everybody knows where they got food poisoning. We take that first bite and there's kind of an awful taste or a bad smell. You knew it was a little off, but you just kept going.
If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?