Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.

Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.