Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
I actually graze at several of the homes while I'm playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?
No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.