Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!
He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.