Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!

Oh, shit... somebody fucked you up real bad. I'll tell you what... I'm gonna go now, cuz I think you want to sit there, by yourself, and think about who you pissed off. Excuse me.