Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
They mess with your food, they do. They go 'Well Wanda, first we're gonna cut out all your carbs...' OK, wait a minute, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I've got this medical condition, and when you cut out my carbs - my foot? Right up your ass.
For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.
I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. [On Charlie Chaplin]
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.