Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.

This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’

In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.

The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.