Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

I told jokes badly.