Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I told jokes badly.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.