Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.
I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. [On Charlie Chaplin]
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."