Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.