Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.