Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.