Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.
Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.