Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.