Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

I am the biggest fag hag. I love my gay male friends so much. But when I was a little girl I always wished I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys. And I am. And I should have been more specific.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.