Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
Oh, shit... somebody fucked you up real bad. I'll tell you what... I'm gonna go now, cuz I think you want to sit there, by yourself, and think about who you pissed off. Excuse me.
I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!