Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

18,873 quotes

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.

I don't get sick.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

All children have brain damage!

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.