Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.
I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.