Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.
My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”