Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

It’s quite hard being right in the face of people who are wrong without sounding like a fuckwit. People go “do you think the vast majority of the world is wrong”, well yes. I don’t know how to say that nicely, but yes.”

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I’m a white guy with a black sister. How could I be racist? “I can’t stand black people. They’re always reading my diary.” And I know I just told you I keep a diary. But before you judge me, let me say that if you were a white Jewish kid with a black sister, you’d start writing things down too.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.