Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.
My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'