Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.
My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"
You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...