Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I told jokes badly.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

I'm forever a part of pop culture.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

God old people on coaches! Fuck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!