Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.
There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.