Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

When I'm onstage, I'm acting.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?