Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

I told jokes badly.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.