Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.