Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

The thing about stand-up was, I was doing all this sketch and YouTube stuff where I was not being censored and I got to do my own thing, and it was really cool.

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.

I got a truck outside with my name on it: Sanford and Son. I’m Sanford and this is Son.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!