Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

I’m in a whole different part of show business. I’m not even part of Shakespeare in Love.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.