Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.

Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

I get stressed out hearing Lindsey Buckingham talk about those days cause what I'm thinking... I don't know how he can't go 'And that's right before Mick Fleetwood fucked my girlfriend.