Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Always do whatever's next.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

Postpartum depression? More like bitches being bitches.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.