Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
It's ok that I'm swearing. One, because, you know, I'm lucky enough to live in a country where I'm allowed to do that, and two, and much more importantly, I'm British, and it just sounds adorable coming out of my mouth. You know it's true. You just can't be offended in the same way. I'll give you an example: fuck knuckle. That's borderline poetry!
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'