Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.
There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.