Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
My father and I had dinner tonight and I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, “Could you pass me the salt please?” But it comes out, “You putz, you ruined my childhood.”
Over the years, there certainly have been plenty of ideas that I've had and given up on, but for this one, the only thing that was standing in its way was me doing it - I just had to write it... And then if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. But I didn't want it to be for lack of effort on my part, so I had hunch that it would be a good story and that we would work well together. And it certainly worked out that way.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?
I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'