Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.
For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.