Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.

Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.