Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.