Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the fucking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

I don't believe in karma.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.