Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.