Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.
I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.