Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
When I sat down to write I just felt like a geek writing about myself. And then it dawned on me, just because of the way I am, I can't stop talking, and part of the problem is that anything that gets said reminds me of something that happened to me one time, and invariably I cut people off and talk about myself.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.