Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."