Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

When I'm onstage, I'm acting.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!