Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.
I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.
I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!
I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.
I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.
