Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I never went out looking for glory.

I told jokes badly.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.