Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.

Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

A lot of comedians are selfish.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!

I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.

Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.