Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. "Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it."
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better