Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.