Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.
She was so helpful and so sweet and so giving. I call it the food-poisoning effect. Everybody knows where they got food poisoning. We take that first bite and there's kind of an awful taste or a bad smell. You knew it was a little off, but you just kept going.
We can't agree on religion and guns and economics and sadly civil rights but if the wealthy won't chip in for the needy we are done.
You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.