Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

I told jokes badly.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.