Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.

Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts.

For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.