Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.