Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.

When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'

My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.

I never went out looking for glory.

You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.

I couldn't do sports and so in my head I was like, 'Ladies will see my hand to hand dexterity and they will want these hands inside them.' First of all, flawed, you're juggling balls.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.