Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."