Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on. I've heard good stories about Syracuse; this is a very good party town, a good drinking place. I definitely would like to come back and check it out further. Do some more research, as I call it.
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. "Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it."
No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.
I heard a quote once in a documentary about a band that said you're better off owning everything 100 percent and selling 20,000 copies of an album than signing with a record company and selling a million copies. There has never been a truer statement about show business than that.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
Thats a Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price" "*indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."
We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling Badgers through Belgium. But the Panda's want to die, the Panda's want to die out and we're forcing them to have sex. Can you imagine that on your death bed some zoo keeper's trying to make you hump someone? I can. It's not all bad extinction is it? I mean it's less stuff to have to learn to teach your kids. "What's that daddy?" Well it's a dog cause there's only dogs left.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?