Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.
When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?
I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
It’s quite hard being right in the face of people who are wrong without sounding like a fuckwit. People go “do you think the vast majority of the world is wrong”, well yes. I don’t know how to say that nicely, but yes.”
I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.