Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
It’s quite hard being right in the face of people who are wrong without sounding like a fuckwit. People go “do you think the vast majority of the world is wrong”, well yes. I don’t know how to say that nicely, but yes.”
Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'
Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.