Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.

I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Fleetwood Mac is just one of my all-time favorite bands.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"