Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.