Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.