Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.