Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.
You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.
No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"