Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.

I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!

Chicks can make you flip more than any drug would.

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?

In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".

On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.