Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.

I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.