Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.
I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.
I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.
Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I’m not going to investigate it if it doesn’t effect me directly.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.