Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

18,873 quotes

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

I don't get sick.

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!