Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!
Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?
She was so helpful and so sweet and so giving. I call it the food-poisoning effect. Everybody knows where they got food poisoning. We take that first bite and there's kind of an awful taste or a bad smell. You knew it was a little off, but you just kept going.
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!