Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'
When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
Growing up, it was always, ‘If you buy kosher meat, they’re killed humanely.’ But I’ve seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?
Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?
Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.