Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I never went out looking for glory.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."

I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.