Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'
Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.
God old people on coaches! Fuck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.