Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
She was so helpful and so sweet and so giving. I call it the food-poisoning effect. Everybody knows where they got food poisoning. We take that first bite and there's kind of an awful taste or a bad smell. You knew it was a little off, but you just kept going.
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!