Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.
I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
It's very stressful living in London. There was a rapper in London, one of these rappers that they have now. You've seen them, er... On adverts and things, and, um, his name was Ironik, I R O N I K was how he'd spelt it. And last November, Ironik, he went on the tweets. He was a tweeter and, er, one Saturday last November, he twatted, which is the, er, The past tense of tweet. One Saturday last November, Ironik twatted that he'd bought a new diamond necklace, and he twatted that he was on his way to Southend to do a gig, and then he twatted that he was on his way back to London, and then he got mugged outside his house. And now Ironik understands the meaning if not the spelling of his name.
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.