Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling Badgers through Belgium. But the Panda's want to die, the Panda's want to die out and we're forcing them to have sex. Can you imagine that on your death bed some zoo keeper's trying to make you hump someone? I can. It's not all bad extinction is it? I mean it's less stuff to have to learn to teach your kids. "What's that daddy?" Well it's a dog cause there's only dogs left.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?