Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.