Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'