Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.

I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'

It's ok that I'm swearing. One, because, you know, I'm lucky enough to live in a country where I'm allowed to do that, and two, and much more importantly, I'm British, and it just sounds adorable coming out of my mouth. You know it's true. You just can't be offended in the same way. I'll give you an example: fuck knuckle. That's borderline poetry!

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.