Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.