Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

Postpartum depression? More like bitches being bitches.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

I don't get sick.

I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.

I wasn't feeling it, really. But I just had to do what I had to do. It turned out the better for me.