Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.
The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?
I love Oprah but she thinks she’s Jesus. And when she gets a papercut, she’s like, “Oh, Stigmata.”<br /> “No, Oprah, it’s not stigmata.”<br /> “But, I…”<br /> “Get off the cross and do your show.”
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
I'd announce that I was going to sing, and all our guests would make a ring around the piano. But somehow I managed to fight my way through the ring and sing anyway.
Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.
You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."
The most challenging part of being a dad is trying to postpone the moment when they realize you don't know anything. I love any sentence that begins with "Daddy...?" because it's implied they're looking up to you - that you'll have the answer. The truth is, I don't have any answers.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.
