Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...
I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
Carrot Top will be doing a show about the history of ancient trunks. Gallagher will be smashing ancient fruit.
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.
How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?
Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'