Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.

Funny is funny.

I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.

I went to Missouri. I got a speeding ticket for $130. That’s a bunch of crap. Rent’s not $130 in Missouri…

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

Who do I have to blow to never have to blow anyone, ever again?

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.