Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

No, I'm not dying, and I sure... ain't dead.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.