Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I don't get sick.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

All children have brain damage!

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.