Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.
I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.