Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.

I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.

The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.