Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.
It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.