Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

I believe in people living their lives and having privacy.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.

All children have brain damage!

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.