Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.
My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.