Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.
In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.