Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

You might be a redneck if your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.

I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.