Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
People don’t care that you’re doing theater. I get stopped in New York. “Aren’t you that comedian from TV. What are you doing now?” <br /> “I just did a year on Broadway.” <br /> “What channel?” <br /> It’s not a channel!
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.
My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.