Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Don't work out, work in.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"