Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
John Travolta, who said, "My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash." Never got a dinner!
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.
I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.
But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.