Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.

Put your head down, don’t be a dick, and you’ll get in.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

I told jokes badly.

You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.

A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.