Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Worry is a misuse of your imagination.

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

I told jokes badly.

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"

No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".