Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
I don't see myself getting married again, but if I do, it will be forever.