Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.

Always do whatever's next.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

My mom raised me to never have anything control me.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

I don't get sick.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.