Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.