Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

Postpartum depression? More like bitches being bitches.

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.

I don't get sick.

I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.

I wasn't feeling it, really. But I just had to do what I had to do. It turned out the better for me.