Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
They mess with your food, they do. They go 'Well Wanda, first we're gonna cut out all your carbs...' OK, wait a minute, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I've got this medical condition, and when you cut out my carbs - my foot? Right up your ass.
Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.
I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. [On Charlie Chaplin]
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.