Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
Yesterday someone asked me in interviews why I was so self-deprecating. I told them it’s because I’m a stupid idiot who doesn’t deserve self esteem.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.