Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.
You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.
The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'
I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".