Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Chicks can make you flip more than any drug would.

It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

They're going to ask those questions.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.