Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!
My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.
How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
God old people on coaches! Fuck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!
That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.