Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.

Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!

Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which, of course, in German means a whale's vagina.

I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!