Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

When I get in an elevator, the operator takes one look and says, "Basement?"

Why don't families take mushrooms and stay home, and trip together?

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I’m a white guy with a black sister. How could I be racist? “I can’t stand black people. They’re always reading my diary.” And I know I just told you I keep a diary. But before you judge me, let me say that if you were a white Jewish kid with a black sister, you’d start writing things down too.

Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!