Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.

What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

Don't work out, work in.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.