Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”

There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

I just felt wonderful about that. Just to erase all that mess about,"'Well, I'm either flipping burgers or doing drugs, you know, or getting shot." You know, that kind of a thing.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

She was so helpful and so sweet and so giving. I call it the food-poisoning effect. Everybody knows where they got food poisoning. We take that first bite and there's kind of an awful taste or a bad smell. You knew it was a little off, but you just kept going.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

All children have brain damage!