Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.
Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'