Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!