Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
No kid in the world, no woman in the world should ever raise a hand against a no-good daddy. That's already been taken care of: A Man Who Destroys His Own Home Shall Inherit the Wind.
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.