Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?'

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...

I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

'Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay...' Yeah, why wouldn't you?!

I told jokes badly.

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

Apparently every man was told to bring three women with them. Sounds like a ho-down.

There are only two Asian people that I know that I have any problem with at all. One is, uh, Guy Aioki. The other is my friend Steve who actually went pee-pee in my Coke. He's all, "Me Chinese, me play joke!" Uh, if you have to explain it, Steve, it's not funny!