Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.

The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

A lot of comedians are selfish.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

The way I see it, the earth is going to be here after we're dead and gone. Even if it's a polluted planet, and they messed it up. Where do they go from here - to another planet so they can mess that up too?

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.