Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.
I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. "Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it."
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.
This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’
In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.