Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

If you try to pop the unpopped kernels in the microwave, you go back in time.

I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.