Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

It's not rape if she blinks twice for yes.

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I know enough football to know that’s funny!

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

Why does everyone leave just when its getting’ good?

All children have brain damage!

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!