Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.

Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.

Funny is funny.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.