Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.
For the record, I hate skiing...and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"