Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

I’m a white guy with a black sister. How could I be racist? “I can’t stand black people. They’re always reading my diary.” And I know I just told you I keep a diary. But before you judge me, let me say that if you were a white Jewish kid with a black sister, you’d start writing things down too.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!