Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.
In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.