Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.
You got it, doll, I was curious to see which Courtney Love was going to show up: the smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore or the violent smeared-lipstick crazy coke whore.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.
I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.