Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."
If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts.
For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.
Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.