Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.
My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.
I noticed when I was driving around that they changed the name of the Interborough Parkway to the Jackie Robinson Parkway. And the Interborough family is very upset about this...
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!
My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.