Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.

We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Funny is funny.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.