Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".
For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.
I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.
