Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'
To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the fucking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.
I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.
I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"