Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 647

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.

I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.