Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 651

I was living in a place where I was harming myself. I was irresponsible. I`d lost several apartments. I couldn`t hold a job. I was tired of being a no-good son of a bitch who called himself a man but was just a grown boy.

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I believe you can joke about anything.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I'm not taking the bus today. I thought I'd try something different, I'm going to throw myself in front of it.

As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.