Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 651
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.
If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
On getting mugged: I carry around months and months of receipts. I need a mugger who can file my VAT returns.
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.