Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 651

I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?

Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.

When people talk about wanting to "have children someday," what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.

Postpartum depression? More like bitches being bitches.

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.

I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!

I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.'

People kill me about being a big guy. They always asking me dumb questions… Every time I breathe in, they’re like, “Why you breathing so hard?’ “So I can live!”

In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

I wasn't feeling it, really. But I just had to do what I had to do. It turned out the better for me.

If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.