Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 651
I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy -- they're reluctant prophets.
My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time...
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you're not supposed to drink and drive?
I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.
It's pure Americana. It couldn't be any more folksy or wholesome unless Huckleberry Finn suddenly walked in carrying a freshly baked apple pie and started dropping the n-word.
I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.
For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."
You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages.