Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 651
I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.
How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.
In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."
There once was a man from Nantucket, whose rod was so long that he could get ball-deep up in that. And then he'd be, like, in it, and she'd be like, 'Oh baby, that's my spot, that's my spot. Keep going, no don't stop, baby, that's my spot -- careful, I'm ovulating,' and he's like 'No, it's OK, I use the rhythm method.' And then he shot his junk.
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
I would always love to be an athlete, but it's got to be a tough day when you have to hang up those cleats.
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.