Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 652

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.

May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts.

I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!