Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 652
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.
But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.
I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.
Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
The soldiers kill suicide bombers. Think about that. When a guys whole thing in life is to kill himself and you get there first... you are halling ass my friends.
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.
Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.