Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 652
Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.
John Travolta, who said, "My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash." Never got a dinner!
I could have been in a sorority. Yes, I could. I could so. But they would not let me in because I already had a personality of my own.
NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.