Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 652

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

I'm not taking the bus today. I thought I'd try something different, I'm going to throw myself in front of it.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

Back in '93 I saw my first UFC fight and just became enamored by it then.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

I love that mentality, “Boo! You went to a different school than I did. I want everyone going to the same school. One school. 140 million students. Or I go ‘boo.’ I am the least tolerant human being on Earth. What’d you have for dinner tonight? Chinese food. I had Japanese. Boo. You like Triskets. I like Wheat Thins. Boo. You like regular Starburst fruits chews. I like the tropical. Boo.”

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.