Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 652

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."

People will frighten you about a graduation...They use words you don't hear often... "And we wish you Godspeed." It is a warning, Godpeed. It means you are no longer welcome here at these prices.

I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And my wife goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.

God old people on coaches! Fuck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.

Jack Kerouac was cool because he had no idea he was.