Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 650

Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

Well, we're just gonna have to use our brains.

For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.

Don't be silly and don't waste your time.

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'