Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 650
The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.
Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.
In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.
Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.
You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.
Oh look an ATM! Ok here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.
I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.