Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 650

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

I like definitive things.

I'm rich biotchh!

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I just don't want to play the same guy again over and over.

I was living in a place where I was harming myself. I was irresponsible. I`d lost several apartments. I couldn`t hold a job. I was tired of being a no-good son of a bitch who called himself a man but was just a grown boy.

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I believe you can joke about anything.

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.