Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 673

That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.

The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.

To be famous and broke is hard.

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the fuck he is.

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.