Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 673
Do whatever you want. Break stuff, touch your penis or boobs to anything, whatever.
Would you believe I once entered a beauty contest? I not only came in last, I got 361 get well cards.
I pull up at the Christmas tree shop and I walk up and the guy says "hey you here to buy a tree?" "Nope, My son had to go to the bathroom and these trees looked mighty inviting." Here's your sign!
Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. "Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant!"
The CEO of a company lied to you. But isn't that financial reporting?
Ugly people face as much or more discrimination than any fucking minority group.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?'
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
God was havin’ himself a good day when he made boobs. He must’ve stepped back from Eve and said, "Yes ma’am! Those’ll work."
I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.