Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 673

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you’ve only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.

You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.

We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.

Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

We need to be prepared to help with their rent and utilities for six months to a year. We don't want them working right now.

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.