Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 673

I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.

Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them.

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

Then I will tape the sets and even though I'm not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

When you're 18, you meet somebody, and 15 seconds later, you're like, 'I love you... I love you! Is that your roommate? She's hot.'

My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.

I won't take no for a question.

We wanted a name that was fun and different and something people would remember. Foundation board member Betty McCain suggested Winter Solstice, and we went with that.

Dr. Spock, who said, "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." Never got a dinner!

Rats are just Ziploc bags full of disease.