Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 673
I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
I've been fortunate to work with good directors who understand improvisation and understand the way comedians work. Luke Basan let me do my thing like do what you feel and take the character to another level. Quentin Tarrantino was more of an acting coach. He can teach you beats and then hell say go with it but give this feeling. So I've been fortunate to work with good, seasoned directors.
If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.
Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.
Dude on my flight is watching Men in Black 3, watching with no sound & pretending its a Hitch sequel bout Hitch trying hookup an alien.
If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.
I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.
You might be a redneck if you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.
I have zero doubt that if Dick Cheney was not in power, people wouldn’t be dying needlessly tomorrow... I’m just saying if he did die, other people, more people would live. That’s a fact.
People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.
First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.