Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 673

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.

There is no way to get better in stand up comedy than by failing.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.

I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

You're Hispanic. You speak Spanish. You're doing ethnic jokes. Taco Bell is one of your first targets.

Ugly people face as much or more discrimination than any fucking minority group.

You ever see those racism public service announcements where they have an athlete speak out against racism, but they'll make it specific to their sport? Like a boxer will say, 'We gotta knock out racism.' Or a basketball player will say, 'We gotta slam dunk racism.' I want to do one of those, except as a comedian. I'll be like, 'Racism's not funny -- except in small groups of close personal friends and family. Keep it where it belongs.'