Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 672
If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.
I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!
Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the fuck he is.
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.
I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.
When you're single again, at the beginning you're very optimistic and you say, "I want to meet someone who's really smart, really sweet, really sensitive". And six months later you're like, "Lord, any mammal with a day job".
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA; you know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.