Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 672

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

If you have an entry-level position at a fertilizer company, you are literally in the asshole of the shit business.

I just always wonder if I’m too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.

How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!

Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?

I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”

Why don't families take mushrooms and stay home, and trip together?

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I don't see the vagina as a sexual object, but more of a vessel through which I seek emotional companionship at the cost of freedom.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.