Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 672
Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.
Hang out with the worst people imaginable while they’re all in “fuck it!” mode - Vegas!
If Wednesday is Hump Day, Thursday should be Panic, Regret, I Can't Find My Left Shoe and Why Does It Burn When I Pee? Day.
You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
Jackie come to me and says, 'We gonna do a fight scene.' I said 'What?' He says 'We got to do a fight scene in the next scene. I have to teach you.' I say 'How you gonna teach me in three seconds?' What we did, we did the fight scene with our arms connected.
Let us just say: I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time.
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.
I just always wonder if I’m too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.