Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 674
I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.
Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.
If Wednesday is Hump Day, Thursday should be Panic, Regret, I Can't Find My Left Shoe and Why Does It Burn When I Pee? Day.
Nobody's really happy. We used to be, before the psychologists made everything a syndrome. Or a dis-order. Before then, you weren't obsessive compulsive. You were, clean. You weren't schizophrenic, you were just damned good at impressions. There was no attention deficit disorder. I need a new chair. Are those drapes or a blind. My butt itches. Do we have a TV?
This women killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.
No parent must ever say, "Get the kids out of here, I'm trying to watch TV." The father who does start saying this is likely to see one of his children on the 6:00 news.
Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.
I do love the films I've done in the past. I work hard in my movies and my friends work hard and we're trying to make people laugh and I'm very proud of that.
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
Yeah, good to be here. I haven't been here in two years... Thanks. It's that warmth I've missed in Austin. So, we been here, ain't our fault you gotta travel around, shit. We supposed to follow you around? You supposed to be back here. What are you doin', where are you?
God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.