Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 674
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels !
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.
Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.
No parent must ever say, "Get the kids out of here, I'm trying to watch TV." The father who does start saying this is likely to see one of his children on the 6:00 news.
There’s the members of the new partnership: Fuentes, Fuentes, Chico, and Dummo.
Jackie come to me and says, 'We gonna do a fight scene.' I said 'What?' He says 'We got to do a fight scene in the next scene. I have to teach you.' I say 'How you gonna teach me in three seconds?' What we did, we did the fight scene with our arms connected.
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.