Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 674

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you’ve only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

In 1999, if you come down with a case of Gonorrhea, be happy. You should be thankful. That is a blessing from God. These days, that don’t mean a damn thing. Cause they got some diseases out there. I’m not talking about HIV, they got some Ebola of Nuts. You might not even make it to your car.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn`t have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

At the time I had a basic setup, basic cable if you will.He had the holy shit premier package.

My life and my legs have been an open book.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

You don't need to be stable to be a stand-up comedian.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

On 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' it takes almost a year to get 10 shows written. It always reminds me of my old yeshiva days, where you used to sit over a piece of Talmud and analyze everything that was going on.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!