Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 674

I've been fortunate to work with good directors who understand improvisation and understand the way comedians work. Luke Basan let me do my thing like do what you feel and take the character to another level. Quentin Tarrantino was more of an acting coach. He can teach you beats and then hell say go with it but give this feeling. So I've been fortunate to work with good, seasoned directors.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.

Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

First of all, I came immediately, and also I started farting as I came. That's how my sex life started. Fucking shame and depression.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

You don't have to believe everything you think.