Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 692

I've had nothing but great friendship to help me through this.

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that's what I'm trying to do.

“I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.”

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.

Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?'

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

I don’t want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

The sun comes up and so does your dick. Cause at heart your dick's a farmer!

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.