Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 692

They call me the confuser. Is he a man...is he a woman...? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.

Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

You don’t have to go from zero to… the Dos Equis guy. You can take smaller steps.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.

Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

It's crazy because people expect you to be funny all the time and every day is not a funny day. I go to funerals and people are like 'tell a joke' and 'say one of your lines in a movie.' It's a funeral, man!

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.