Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 691

I have always been told that I was a funny, entertaining person and have always been told to give comedy a try.

I was told maybe nine years ago by an executive who was working for a major network that the networks from now on are going to be entertaining 13-year-old people, and that's what you see today.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.

Only lie about the future.

Man, it's hot. I'm sweating like R. Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.