Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 691

Only lie about the future.

Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

I was on the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself, "I’m getting too old for this shit."

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

Every time I talk about Chipotle in conversation, someone goes, “Oh, Chipotle is delicious. Can you believe they were started by McDonald’s?” Uh, McDonald’s is delicious, so yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park.

Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

We show-ed a lot of intensity on defense early. But we missed one of our point guards who is the spark for our defense.

Things that would change the atmosphere at a party : I hope no - one is allergic to nuts .... because I like to rest mine on the table / Help yourselves to Nibbles .... he was our favourite hamster but its what he would have wanted.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That’s why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s… and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.