Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 693
Why did the Articles of Confederation fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.
Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'
There is no way to get better in stand up comedy than by failing.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.
I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.
I trip off it. You know what's interesting about the makeup is when you get up close and you know he's been working on your face and you see where the makeup starts and it stops and how seamless it is. You could look at it for hours.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.
The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.
You don’t have to go from zero to… the Dos Equis guy. You can take smaller steps.