Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 697
When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?
I've got a three year-old and he wants to rollerblade and he said, "Daddy, I want to put on my helmet," and I said, "Suck it up, kid. We don't wear helmets in this family; we're men. No, not on the sidewalk - get in the street."
You’re good looking for a redhead... yea, well you’re not good looking for a person.
My neighborhood is changing so much. This place that was a Mexican restaurant is now a small church. Which is very upsetting to me, because I like burritos more than I like Jesus. Because steak burritos are delicious… and they’re real.
Things that would change the atmosphere at a party : I hope no - one is allergic to nuts .... because I like to rest mine on the table / Help yourselves to Nibbles .... he was our favourite hamster but its what he would have wanted.
At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
What's the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of twinkies, and going to sleep, was that a problem?
You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.
If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.
I think I've far exceeded what I ever thought I could possibly do. I'm almost shocked that I'm still around after all of these years... and always grateful that I get another turn to do something.
My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.
I've come to realize that making it your life's work to be different than your parents is not only hard to do, it's a dumb idea. Not everything we found fault with was necessarily wrong; we were right, for example, to resent, as kids, being told when to go to bed. We'd be equally wrong, as parents, to let our kids stay up all night. To throw out all the tools of parenting just because our parents used them would be like making yourself speak English without using ten letters of the alphabet; it's hard to do.