Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 697

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

I live in a predominantly anxious section of town.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really quickly.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.

I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.

Recently, I turned 60 and even more recently I turned 62, that was a Bastard, I don’t even remember the 61.

My life and my legs have been an open book.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

You’re good looking for a redhead... yea, well you’re not good looking for a person.

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

Bush is in command. And when he heard that sectarian militias had killed hundreds of Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria.

Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!

What's the problem with just smoking a joint, eating a couple of twinkies, and going to sleep, was that a problem?