Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 697

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

“So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'”

You got to figure out how to eat your snack while your elbows are touching. You got to learn how to twist your little plastic utensil.

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I have the greatest respect for your culture; I think you guys do it properly. You have your three or four kids and then you slow down so you can enjoy your late teens.

It is pretty crazy living with a physical disability. I have to deal with people in weird ways. I was walking down the street and this woman walks up to me and she goes, “You know, I think it’s so inspirational that you’re out.”

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' and then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

My wife goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"

“I’m in a relationship at the moment…sorry girls…it’s going to have to be your place.”

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

I asked him, "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody."

Hollywood's just not funny.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.