Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 698
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, fucking YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!
Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
Some nights, alone, he thinks of her, and some nights, alone, she thinks of him. Some night these thoughts, separated by miles and time zones, occur at the same objective moment, and Ray and Mirabelle are connected without ever knowing it.
The only way I will do a sitcom is if it’s hurled at me, and I don’t have to work for it.
Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.
I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, 'Wow, it's not me!'
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.
[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that...