Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 698

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

Hollywood's just not funny.

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.

Why would somebody worship the devil?... Has the devil paid off for anybody ever? What was the last award show you saw where somebody won and they came out and they’re like, “Thank you so much. This is amazing. I got a lot of people to thank. Well, I gotta start out by thanking the man downstairs.”

I think I speak for America when I say, "nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg."

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

Would I go to see a pediatrist or a proctologist to remove a foot from my ass?

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.

I guess the lesson to be learned from the church is that while homosexuality is a sin against God, molestation and rape, well... they're just sins against a child.

I'm not a liberal, I'm a radical!

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.

It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me Mister Rock.