Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 698

I din’t do shit today. Almost till 4 o clock I just watch TV, so i’m a loser.

Sorry folks, I'm a little hyped up, I was smoking a big, fat bag of crack right before the show, ahhh!

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

I think I've far exceeded what I ever thought I could possibly do. I'm almost shocked that I'm still around after all of these years... and always grateful that I get another turn to do something.

It is pretty crazy living with a physical disability. I have to deal with people in weird ways. I was walking down the street and this woman walks up to me and she goes, “You know, I think it’s so inspirational that you’re out.”

I was like, “I’m on my way to the liquor store. Are you inspired?”

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

Until as women we all say, "No! We are not going to starve ourselves", nothing is going to change. We're our own worse enemies sometimes but I still blame men.

You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.

I'm rich biotchh!

Where the fuck do I live? That is a pantry.

Some nights, alone, he thinks of her, and some nights, alone, she thinks of him. Some night these thoughts, separated by miles and time zones, occur at the same objective moment, and Ray and Mirabelle are connected without ever knowing it.

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.