Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 696
Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion, and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there's gonna be some child fucking going on.
The only way I will do a sitcom is if it’s hurled at me, and I don’t have to work for it.
They say the Universe started with a big bang. I hope everybody stood well back.
Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.
Comedy is obviously a matter of personal taste and the world always needs a clown and some people have no taste at all and any clown will do.
I'm not an evil person, I'm not an evil person. I feel very bad for the people in New Orleans like the sick people, the poor people, the elderly, those people couldn't get out. But let's talk about the dumbasses who are still there but the ones who are going 'I'm not gonna leave! I'm not gonna leave! Because I'm going to stay here and protect my TV!' Listen, you fucking idiot: unless you have a plasma that got wet by this much water I suggest you get the fuck out of your house right now, you understand me?
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Think about everything you read and everything you see. The one thing we can learn from all the horrible things that have happened in the last 15-20 years is that hysteria is the last thing we need. Cool thinking, pragmatism, and analytical thought are most important at this point.
Would I go to see a pediatrist or a proctologist to remove a foot from my ass?
Dude on my flight is watching Men in Black 3, watching with no sound & pretending its a Hitch sequel bout Hitch trying hookup an alien.
I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.
I was coming down the street today with my girlfriend. This guy shouts out, 'Hey man, your girlfriend's a peach!' And I thought, 'Well, that's nice.' And then it turns out she has a really fuzzy face and a stem.
I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
I met a girl a couple of weeks ago. She gonna tell me, “If you want to get acquainted with me and my son, you’ll have to take him to Disneyland.” Ain’t that a bitch? <br /> I went to pick her up the next day and here she got four more kids. I said, “Who kids are them?”<br /> She said, “Them Bebe’s Kids.”<br /> I said, “And where the fuck is Bebe?”<br /> She said, “Bebe went downtown.”<br /> I said, “Why didn’t she take her kids with her?”