Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 696

Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.

You might be a redneck if the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

I get on stage and talk about different stuff in my life and what I’ve been through and what I think about the world. It’s picking out highlights of things and how I became who I am and how my daddy raised me.

Look, I'm not going to put pressure on the boy. If he's good... Great. If he's bad... If he quits, he's dead.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

Did my fingering turn you gay? I hope not.

Here's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.

I deal only in facts, that's why I'm a cocky fucking bastard.

Love your kids unconditionally. My mother had an onlooker breastfeed me.

With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke.

When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?