Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 696

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

I hope you die....<br /> P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.

I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

But this Mother fucker here Nigga, This shit right here nigga; This is a love seat Nigga! I can't even sit on this if I ain't in love Nigga! What Kind of shit is that!

Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure.

When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?

I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'

I think pretty soon people gonna be fuckin' for gas. I think people already fuckin' for gas. Some of y'all in here tonight are fuckin' for gas. Like 'Girl, why you with him?' He filled up my tank.