Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 723

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind?"

Usually, if I think something is really funny, I'm not gonna test it. I'll just test it when I'm onstage.

I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.

Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Here’s the thing about people who believe in God: they’re fucking stupid.

Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

When asked if he enjoys being famous: Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I've always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore.