Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 723
This is a man who survived four heart attacks. Yeah, the doctor revoked his organ donor card. Issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal. Well, he actually had three heart attacks and a heart "episode." Cause his last heart attack, he was with an HMO. Yes. And it seems that if they write down "heart attack," they have to admit you. But if they write down "heart episode," they can give you Robitussin and send your ass home.
Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
I can play recorder to grade level seven. Do you realize how little sexy time you get from playing Frere Jacques? Very little.
These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn Tinted Construction Mask.
I’m single again now. But I’m still buying condoms. Because I don’t want the woman at the store to know I’ve stopped having sex. I don’t think that’s any of her business. But they are kind of piling up now. I’m going to have to have a lucky streak. Or think of a craft project.
I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.
I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.
When I went to college, I lived on campus, and the guys I hung out with made the characters in Revenge of the Nerds look like the Rat Pack in 1962. I, myself made that kid Booger look like Remington Steele.
You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.
I'm not looking to get away from anything. I like what I've done. I like what I get to do and I enjoy working with my friends. I loved those movies, but this is incredible.
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
Today’s topic: premenstrual syndrome, the bastards that inflict upon women, earthquakes and stuff that falls down!
We bought a piece of stereo equipment, you know inside the box they put that little package of drying agent. And on this in big bold letters, what does it say? ‘Do not eat this’. You ever bought a piece of stereo equipment thinkin’ there might be somethin’ to eat in there?