Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 723
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.
When I was in Africa, this voice came to me and said, "Richard, what do you see?" I said, "I see all types of people." The voice said, "But do you see any niggers?" I said, "No." It said, "Do you know why? 'Cause there aren't any."
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
We all have a best friend in here. Every man in here has a best friend. The only reason you hangout with him is because his life sucks more than yours.
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.