Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 722
The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.
I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.
If you sell things over the phone, the dream went awry somewhere, and you're working in a sweat box trying to make quota so you can buy some speed.
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, "Duh, where are all the famous people?"
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
You might be a redneck if your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
Christmas was really where I started coming into my own as a performer because I did all this stuff on my own, all this performing on my own, When other kids were outside playing, I was in my room conjuring characters and impressions and things like that.