Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 722
I’m a white guy with a black sister. How could I be racist? “I can’t stand black people. They’re always reading my diary.” And I know I just told you I keep a diary. But before you judge me, let me say that if you were a white Jewish kid with a black sister, you’d start writing things down too.
I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.
The problem with labels is that they lead to stereotypes and stereotypes lead to generalizations and generalizations lead to assumptions and assumptions lead back to stereotypes. It’s a vicious cycle, and after you go around and around a bunch of times you end up believing that all vegans only eat cabbage and all gay people love musicals.
“So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'”
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
“You need to come deer hunting! It’s a man’s sport!” I just think in order to be called a sport both teams need to know there’s a game going on.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
We get a magazine called Modern Ferret. It's a magazine about that hairy rat, I swear to God! And if you ever see it, pick it up. And on the inside cover, it's a woman and the man who publish this magazine wrote this inscription: "some day, we hope to make money doing what we love, playing with our ferret." Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pee-Wee Herman lose a lot of money playing with his ferret?
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.