Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 724
I really love Barack Obama. Sorry if that’s like “Ew. The president. That’s lame.” I love Barack Obama. What a great man. I’m so lucky to have voted for that guy.
You know what's so weird, why does this happen? This is a weird thing... phenomena. Alright. Sometimes guys, you're having sex right, and everything's going great, everything's, you know, NEAUNNNNEEEEEAAAUUU, right? When all of a sudden, there's a voice that comes into our brains and starts telling us to say shit. Like, "Yeah, say that, say that, it's perfect. Say that right now," right? So you're like, "Yeah, fucking say that," and you just grab her hair and you whisper, "Eeeyeaa," and you don't think about it, you just say it . "Yeaaah, fucking say things. You hear what I say? You like that, huh?"
Let's take back the real estate between our ears and get green like a son of a bitch.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.
You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
(On actress Emma Watson.) She didn’t want to be my friend at school. She’ll probably be in a queue of people who are after me. We found some socks with her name tag in so we whacked them on eBay. We thought, ‘She’s doing well for herself, let’s make some money.’ I can’t recall what we got for the socks but it wasn’t over a fiver.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
You know how you look up at your dad when you’re a little kid like he’s got some special Dad knowledge. And then you find out all he really knows is how to have sex with your mom.
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
Real loss is only possible when you love something more than you love yourself.
I never understood how people could come to a yard sale and get picky. Make me feel bad about the stuff I didn’t want anyway… <br /> “Does this VCR have a remote?” <br /> “No. It doesn’t have a cord either. That’s why it’s $4. It’s a piece of crap.”<br /> “Well, I was looking for a new VCR.”<br /> “Yeah, I think they sell those in places called ‘stores.’”