Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 738

Illegal downloading seems pretty big these days. That's gotta stop. It's a problem, 'cause when you download, let's say, a P. Diddy song, you're not only stealing from him, you're also stealing from whoever he stole it from in the first place.

Look, I'm not going to put pressure on the boy. If he's good... Great. If he's bad... If he quits, he's dead.

We do experiments on animals for a reason—to prolong our life. If hooking a monkey’s brain up to a car battery is going to save somebody of dying from AIDS in ten years, I got two things to say, “The red is positive and the black is negative.”

I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

My career's going pretty good. I just finished a screenplay. It's a cop buddy picture - two cops: one cop has narcolepsy, the other one has Tourette's Syndrome. It's called 'Snoozy and Spaz.'

I'm not like a performer type.

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear to you: this is not writing. I have absolutely no idea how this sentence I’m currently saying is going to finish. When and if it does, I can only hope it makes some kind of coherent ceramic pineapple.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

You don’t like pets, pet people act like you’re a monster. “You don’t like pets? You’re so mean!” Really, I’m mean? I’m not the one keeping a live animal hostage in my apartment. “He loves me.” Really? Open the door.

Who ever invented ALCOHOL should be shot immediately, Hangovers are the worst... I swear it feels like a fat baby is kicking me in the head.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.