Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 738
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.
90% of the activities girls do is to get a guy’s attention and it’s just the way we’re built biologically. We love to get your attention. It’s part of the sport of it. You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky barstools? No! I go 'cause there’s guys there. You think I do a pub crawl every year because I like it when my liver hurts? No. I do it 'cause there’s guys there. We don’t wear heels for our circulation. We do it to prop up our butt so you’ll look at it and wanna mate with me. This isn’t a freaking game, alright? This isn't a push up bra - it's body armour. And this ain't make up, sweetheart - it's war paint! They say men are hunters and women are gatherers. Well, sort of. We gather information about you, and then we hunt you.
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
To all my fans who’s saying Donald Glover about to blow, just give me six months so you can say I told you so.
Some authority on parenting once said, "Hold them very close and then let them go." This is the hardest truth for a father to learn: that his children are continuously growing up and moving away from him (until, of course, they move back in).
They don't see that whole pattern. Worm/death. Worm/death. I would catch on.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.
A lot of people say to me, “Why did you kill Christ?” I dunno… it was one of those parties that got out of hand.
Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
They came out very prepared and we missed lot of tackles. We have to start on Monday and watch the film. I kept asking what was happening. They just out-competed us.