Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 739
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
I feel very privileged that I am able to do something. All of us saw the images on TV and we said we can send money but we still wanted to contribute more.
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
Went to the beach and I bought ceviche and a boogie board from the same person.
It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
Last girl I went out blew me off, gave me the Heisman. Straight arm, knee up. Boom. Now I call her with lame excuses. Hey did I leave a penny over there? Maybe I'll swing by late night. Late night.
President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.
My name is "A Pimp named? Slickback" Wait.......A Pimp ??? .....Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.
To be honest, I'd be the last person who should be doling out gardeinng advice. I don't have the patience for growing things. Yes, I realize there's nothing quite as satisfying as eating food that you've pulled up from the ground and that's why, at the height of the planting season, I bury cans of tomato soup in my backyard and dig them up in late spring.