Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 739
Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'
Her long tan legs<br /> Those dark bed room eyes<br /> Her deep, sexy voice<br /> Her huge protruding Adam’s apple… hey, wait a minute?
You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Are a lot of eight year olds that stressed? Do we got a lot of eight year old kids coming home from school going, “Oh, man, my day today. I could not make a cursive S to save my life.”
When the media ask George Bush a question, he answers, "Can I use a lifeline?"
Joan Rivers telling Lauren Bacall her dress is all wrong is like Carrot Top telling Lenny Bruce he needs to get an edge.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
I love Mexico because it’s a giant dollar store. That economy though - I don’t understand that. When your money gets so valueless at what point do you just sit down and go, “You know what? we got to go back to trading chickens again. This is just not working.”
I’d like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control. It’s like, “Boy a kid would be nice right now.”
People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.
The problem with the suspenders my mother bought for him is that he hasn't adjusted the straps since he got them. So instead of attaching somewhere around his midsection, the suspenders clip onto his pants three inches below his nipples. Now picture the suspenders attached to sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term "camel balls".