Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 739
Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.
That's why the have the programmes presented by 45 guys; "Hi I'm Ted, I'm Bob, I'm Ralph, I'm Dick, I'm Dale, I'm Nick, I'm Will", and they keep changing all the angles of the camera. "I'm over here, I'm at this desk, I'm standing here" and Wendy comes up from under the desk with the financial weather.
I feel very privileged that I am able to do something. All of us saw the images on TV and we said we can send money but we still wanted to contribute more.
Ice T you fuckin’ fossil. You’re so old, the first thing you bought with your record deal money was your freedom. On your first album, the ‘n-word’ was ‘negro’
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."
Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.
Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?
When I first broke through, there was only NBC, CBS and ABC, and they had news in the morning and in the evening - there wasn't no 24-hour news.
It’s hard to idolize a ballplayer when you're forty and he’s, let’s say, twenty-one. How can I be yelling “You da man!” when he da kid?
One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, "Oh, I found me a hobby."
I couldn’t get a date the entire freshman year of college. The whole year I spend… well, they call it stalking now. But I call it getting to know you.