Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 742

Be undeniably good.

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.

Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope.

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

P. Diddy's gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he'll always carry for J-Lo in the other.

I'm the leader of the platoon and I run gambling and lotteries, dances and I sell beer illegally. I'm a con man and I'm thoroughly lovable.

Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

Dating is horrible, it's awful. I don't get it. It's like you're standing there: 'Hi. Do you want to have sex and later wish you hadn't?' It's horrible. And it's awkward at 42 because I don't have the body or the drive. I just sit in the car and hope somebody gets in.

Vote for me. I’m not a liar. I’m not a thief. I’m not a whore. And I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.