Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 742
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. It's momentum, and once you get the momentum going, that's great, but it's a brutal experience in many, many ways. And when you're done, people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"
The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.
Thousand points for everybody! Usually a thousand, but for you, nine ninety-nine! Nine ninety-nine! I'm giving the points away, only nine ninety-nine! I'm craaaazy!
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
I'm going back out on the road. I love it, but I do need the money. It's a very safe high for me.
College was a wonderful time - except, of course, when it was trying to teach you things.
Basically, I got into stand-up because I’m too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.
Have you ever wanted to rape a clown, so you follow him into his car, and you end up having to rape, like, forty clowns?
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.