Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 742

I want to resume the life of a shy person.

I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

Every eight minutes, someone has sex with an animal... and you wonder why the attack you. Because of that man, and its up to me and a half mexican to stop him!

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

"Strap On" spelled backwards is "No Parts." Just sayin'.

I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time.

I never get to do nothin' in this house!

I couldn’t get a date the entire freshman year of college. The whole year I spend… well, they call it stalking now. But I call it getting to know you.

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.