Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 743

I think that God might think I’m gay... what does he know anyway?

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute: 'Get to the Republican Convention!' I think that is the best safe sex message of all time: 'Use a condom, or become Republican!'

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

Humor's a weapon if you want to make it one.

Her long tan legs<br /> Those dark bed room eyes<br /> Her deep, sexy voice<br /> Her huge protruding Adam’s apple… hey, wait a minute?

When you have a great audience, you can just keep going and finding new things.

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentines Day.