Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 743
I don't have a good work ethic. I have a real casual relationship with hours.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.
Even every day ends the same, doesn’t it? “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know. What do you want for dinner?” “How about a gun in my mouth so we never have to talk about his again?”
(On Robert Pattinson.) Our parents know each other a bit and my hair is just as good as his.
It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.
These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn Tinted Construction Mask.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.
We put stereotypes on ourselves. Everybody does that. But I think it's just a little harder for black kids to just be who they are.
But the only ramifications were, like, the kind of bigoted right-wing assault and pretend anger, partisan anger, that came from some right-wing radio people or the pretend anger from guys like Scarborough and nonsense like that.
If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete!
I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.