Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 741
I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.
I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?
Remember Anthrax. They tried to blame that on the Middle Easterners. I knew that wasn’t a Middle Easterners. That’s not how Middle Easterners work… “What, you want me to put the Anthrax in the envelope, put a stamp on the envelope and then mail it? No no no no no. That’s not how I do it. Can I wrap the Anthrax around myself and run into somebody?”
Find something living rent free in your uterus? Evict that motherfucker!
Every girl who has sex with me ladies is guaranteed to have an orgasm or dinner is on me.
See, all this stuff is turning me into this guy I don't want to be: that grouchy old, get-off-my-yard guy. Remember that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everyone. I hate kids'. It's making me this grouchy guy and I don't want to be it. But I'll give you a great example. The other day, I was in my car and I got stuck behind a school bus. Now, I don't know if you've been stuck behind a school bus before, but once you're there, you're stuck. I've passed kidney stones quicker than you can get around a school bus.
Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.
I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.
It sure has been a pleasure for us to broadcast for the sailors and soldiers; besides, its part of the National Defence Program to prepare our boys for anything.
I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says.