Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 748
You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.
[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."
I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.
I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it - if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'
I absolutely want to have a career where you make'em laugh and make'em cry. It's all theater.
You know, the relationships we 'ave, everything sort of bubbles under the surface. No one ever says what they actually mean, do they? It's all a bit pappy and rubbish.
The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!
She had just ended an abusive relationship and I had just ended an abusive relationship and now both of us just wanted a relationship where we could make somebody else fucking pay!
I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’