Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 749

Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!

I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’

I’m going to take a Viagra and hit you all with a rock hard misdirection.

I don't have a show anymore. I don't have a check coming in every week. This is important to me, I got to score a million tonight or it could all be over.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

Oopsy diddly. Pardon me madams, did I get me rah rah juice on your peepers?

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.

I had a lovely military flight, thank you. I love spiraling in - nothing like that to make your colon go, "Fire in the hole!"

Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, "How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant!" Never got a dinner!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!