Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 749
They kicked me out of my school and sent me to the retard school down the street. If you had anything wrong with you, you went to my school. You were on a wheelchair, you went to my school. You were on crutches, you went to my school.You were blind, you went to my school.You were deaf, you were deaf, you had behavior problems, you went to my school. My school had ramps all over the fucking place. It looked like Tony Hawk designed my school.
It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
If a cunt falls in the forrest, but lacks the self awareness to really see it, did it fall in the first place?
You might be a redneck if you've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
The only thing harder than leaving show business is coming back.
We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid...
I love traveling. It not only opens my mind up, but it also allows me to use my fame in another way through humanitarian works and stuff, and being an influence around the world.
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
There's this whole sense of judgment and who's right and who's wrong and who's moral and who's going to be punished.
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible, it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. It's momentum, and once you get the momentum going, that's great, but it's a brutal experience in many, many ways. And when you're done, people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"