Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 803
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.
Also, I realized a lot of kids are listening to me. Whether I want to be or not, they're looking up to me.
No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not!
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
People who say things like "My eyes aren't what they used to be." So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.
Black culture is a fight. We want to hold on to what we are, but sometimes the things that we are can be totally negative. You have to think: can't we try something new and not be seen as suspect?
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.
Here’s a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don’t beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you’ve actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.
Let me tell you what really happened... Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the shit blew up.