Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 803
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".
That show 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' has been getting a lot of ratings. People love that show. That's a great idea for a show. You get four gay guys that try to make a straight guy gayer. That's a good idea for a show. We used to just call that Boy Scout camp.
Orthodox Jews, or, as they are known in the Talmud, the Really Chosen Ones, are committed to the idea that the entire Torah was dictated by God verbatim to Moses at Mount Sinai... Other forms of Judaism dispute this claim, although it does explain certain passages in the first Torah, such as, "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" and "What do you like better, Moses, Lord Almighty or Big Hoohah?"
I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.
My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.
You also notice that the right side of your face feels like it's sliding off of your skull. And your bottom lip is in your lap!
My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.
Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.
If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?