Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 803

It's an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I fall in love so fast. I come back after the first date, I tell my friends, 'She's unbelievable!' And they say, 'What did she do?' 'I don't know. I think she's a mammal.'

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.

My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

I said, “That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that everyday.”

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

I'm very impatient, so I was like, 'I want to be able to do whatever I want now.' But even the biggest stars - you look back and they weren't overnight.