Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 804
Tom Cruise shouldn't try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno; come up with your own example, smart-ass.
I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.
I don't trust vitamins. I saw one today for loss of hair and esteem.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
I’m divorced… I tried to save my marriage. I went to counseling. Spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.
We've written the stories as they've happened in our lives, and they have happened in our lives, and people seem to identify with them. And as scary as that sounds, people seem themselves in us.
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.
New book on Malcolm X says we don’t know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.
To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.