Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 804

You’re so fucking stupid, you dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.

I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

Sometimes we become attached to what’s familiar, and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable, even if they are bad for us.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

Try to be rational? I'll tell you how rational I can be. I hope that he goes out into the wilderness and gets poision ivy, and comes back and I have to treat him then he will find out how much sick people get charged.

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.