Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 804

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

Let me tell you what really happened... Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the shit blew up.

People say I've changed and I tell em that I'm glad 'cause I don't wanna stay the same.

Men don't hear women.

When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.

The monkey on my back is me.

I was the youngest in my family. When the other kids went to school, my mother would make them breakfast and then she would go back to bed for an hour, so I was sort of babysat by television.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?

I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.

[referring to his mother-in-law's maxi-pads which he claims are as thick as travel pillows.] I told her, "If you have this much flow, you don't need a pad, you need stitches."

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

To every race of people in here tonight that whitey has jacked up, I sincerely apologize - for taking your land, for the abuse, for the torture, for the small pox blanket, for the Jim Crow laws. Black people, I apologize for Kramer.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

Edinburgh is the only place you can be sunburned and get trench foot on the same day.