Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 802
Whenever we go out, I pay all the tolls. Yeah - he backs up to the tolls so the booth would be on my side.
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.
I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"
Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual.
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.
One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.
Your main contribution is spray painting your nickname on other people’s things. And my cousin, who’s a ‘gangster’, he’s like, ‘No, Tash, you don’t understand; you throw a fat piece up there, that piece is yours.’ I’m like, ‘No one thinks you own Costco.’
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.