Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 802
If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.
If you live with a single parent, you don't see compromise. You witness a grown person living in a world where they do what they want to do. When you are raised by two parents, you are constantly watching compromise take place. Just by observing that, it made me a better person.
Disneyland celebrated its 40th anniversary by burying a time capsule. They say it will be dug up in 50 years - or when the last person in line at Space Mountain gets to the front, whichever comes first.
Old McDonald, who said on his honeymoon, "Ee-eye-ee-eye-oooohhh!!!" Never got a dinner!
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
You might be a redneck if a full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".
There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you.
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
I personally don't believe people really grow. They just learn stuff when they were a kid, and hold on to it, and that affects every relationship they have.
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.