Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 802
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
If you're saying what are penguins like, they're a bit persnickety, I'll say that... Um, thank you, I have a thesaurus in my house.
We mostly get together and have fun. It's a great place to play music with a small group of nice people.
You can be gangsta in good weather, These niggas were Gangsta in 99 Feet of mothafuckin' water. Nigga how is you swimming and keeping your Pistol out the water at the same time!?!
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me Mister Rock.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said to his tailor Irving, "Forget the slacks - please work on the blazer!" Never got a dinner!
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
People go like 'Jews are cheap' *indian accent* No, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIGGGGG difference!
My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.