Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 819

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.

Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.

How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.

The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”

Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

Smut, if it's really smut, there's nothing backing it up. It's the easy way out.

The magazine at the health food store said, "Stop Aging!" Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging...

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

I don’t know if this is a nerdy quality or just something left over from my uncle’s alcoholism, but I get obsessed with things very easily, things that don’t matter. I think that is a very nerdy quality to be like, “Oh this thing! I love it and I’m going to learn everything about it real soon.”