Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 819

Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.

Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

You look like something the dog just buried in the backyard and is trying to forget where.

I’ve been fired a lot. I prefer to call it just another stop on my Burning Bridges Tour.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.

If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.

I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Now let's fight for three days because I'm bored!

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.

The Devil: Okay, are there any questions? Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If had read your bible, you might have seen it was damnation WITHOUT relief.